Living Lohan: Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

Previously - Nana Love wouldn't go to Vegas, because she's wicked smart. Older brother Michael is a controlling insecure douchebag. Cody didn't want to go to Vegas because he's wicked smaht. And there was some other bullshit involving the dead grandfather who the kids obviously don't remember,

Ali is whining about how she needs to be perfect in her singing career now that they're in Vegas to work. Some record industry douche counsels Cat Face Dina about how Ali isn't going to succeed. Dude, she's no Miley Cyrus. She'll be lucky to play the girl in the third row in Miley's Sex Ed class who waves the reproductive model when Miley sings her new hit, "F*ckin' Behind The Bleachers Cause You Saw Me In Vanity Fair".

More Lohan, after the jump!

Flashback. Dina and Ali ready for Vegas. Some more. Damn. Go already. Dina's all "next step, next child, here we go!" Yeah, look at how well the first one turned out. Ali somehow falls in their gigantic bathroom and hurts herself. Dina strides in and looks like she's about to beat the shit out of her for making them late. As they try to get Ali to safety (*eye roll*), Cody falls into an ironing board and falls over along with some clothes and other debris. What is going on? Do they not want to go to Vegas and they've decided to stage some slapstick?

Cody tells his Mom that he has a concussion. I swear to God they forgot to edit out Dina saying "f*ck you" in the background. Cody needs to like hack a limb off or overdose because there is no way this woman is letting anything as tiny as a concussion stand between her and stage mom greatness.

They don't show any shots from the flight, because they know I would get too much enjoyment from Dina making the fight attendant ask the other passengers to stop looking at her. A limo whisks them down the strip.

They're staying at the Palms, which is owned by the dudes who are fronting the money for Ali's disaster. I swear the Mob is involved with this. It's all some kind of plot to smuggle drugs via shitty tweener albums. Their room is Vegasy ritzy-ugly. Their couch is red pleather.

Tired Lex lets us know that they're having some sort of party for the Lohans. Is it bad that I'm kind of attracted to the fat Maloof. They're working with some producer named Emman, who I think once sold me a Louis Vuitton out of the back of his car. What, it was pretty! Ali looks a little terrified when the robotic Maloof makes a toast to her. She tells him she wants to sing "rhythmic" music. Oh lord.

He asks her if she wants to write one day, too, because that's where the money is. Ali does an interview as Dina gesticulates in the background like a crazy. Ali talks to Tired Lex about the pressure. Meanwhile, every other 14-year-old girl in America is like "wow, I have algebra tomorrow."

Dina buys Ali a really ugly pendant and tells her to let her know if "anything goes down". Like coke in the studio? Some studio talking head and his severe looking cohort lecture Dina on how they know Ali's not going to pull this off. Ok, I'm translating, but I'm good at that. Dina reminds the dude that she's 14. The severe cohort, Zoe, is wearing a truly ugly necklace made of some sort of glass flower. Women in Florida who own cat sweaters would be like "it's a little much..." Zoe is regarding Dina with barely hidden disgust.

Ali says she's hard on herself. Ali is recording in short shorts. Dina leaves the room because she knows a cat face isn't conducive to great tunes. She's singing some song for Emman about falling love or love punching her in the ass or someting. Her vocal coach is there and realizing she needs to find new work.

Dina acknowledges that she has another child for two seconds, and takes Cody for a jaunt. She take Cody to meet Lance Burton, who is some Vegas magician. He does some queer tricks with Peep bunnies, as a prelude to molesting him. That's kind of a hot time, though. The magic, not the molesting.

Ali's vocal cach tries to help her ass out, but bitch can't sing. The coach yells at her to be confident, but she's having a tween snit. She's all stressed out, and really annoying the staff. It's nice to know that she causes that reaction in other people besides me.

Ali's told to not judge herself, EMMAN WILL DO IT! Cody discovers there's no soccer in Vegas. At all? Seriously? Like, even at the high school? Dina takes Cody to a wax museum, where he  loses his mom among the other wax people. Just look for the cat face! Ali is funny and screws with Emman's bad story about singers working hard. Emman tells her ass that she's over for the day. Because she isn't focusing. She needs some Hannah Montana and a nap.

Ali is crying to Dina over the phone because Cody saw a magician. She's literally crying. Into her knee. She better hold herself together. I know she's 14, but how do you think Dina got to where she is? It wasn't by crying into her knee! Her cat face wouldn't allow it!

Dina talks to Ali in the Palms parking garage. Ali is whining enough to crumble the cement. Dina gives her a choice to go home. HAH! Yeah, right! Ali says she'll stay because she knows her mom would be like "ok, choose again" if she said she wanted to go home. There's bills and there might be some Ali Lohan fans out there. Granted, they're all in prison or related to her, but still!

Dina goes to talk to Emman to explain how to handle Ali. She suggests breaks. She takes Ali to lip synch her songs on a big stage. Dina grooves along and begins dancing! I love the menopausal twirl! Ali goes back to the studio and still can't sing but at least she'll be able to do the menopausal twirl when she's 40!

We get some good reviews from severe Zoe and the Maloof mob boys. Dina tells us that Ali has worked so hard (choosing songs) and she nailed it. They have a listen and Cody's face matches mine with revulsion. I miss Nana Love. So much. Cody lies and tells her she's excellent. Privately, he takes Emman aside to suggest some sweetening.

Next - Cody meets Hugh Hefner and the Playmates. And Producer Jeremy's back. Nana Love? Please?