Project Runway: Tablecloths Are For Slackers

Previously - As you know, it was fierce.

We meet Jerell Scott. He needs a t-shirt. He was poor so he had to make his own clothes, and that could explain the lack of a t-shirt. But still they're like three bucks for a six pack down at the Family Dollar. Invest, bitch!

Jerell makes clothes for "celebrities to Saudi royalty." Of course you do. I would riff some more on your crazy, but Blayne just showed up and he looks like a bronzed turtle with a mop on his head. I need to move over to focus on him.

Blayne makes "urban wear" and works as a barista. He's also got a thing for tanning. This bitch is crawling with melanoma. It could end up being a Very Special ProjRun when a giant mole grows on his face and no one can make him out anymore.

Joe is the token straight guy. He's straight, by the way. Hey, you guys - Joe has to daughters, he's from Detroit and he's straight.

Stella is....did you guys know Joe was straight? Sorry, Stella is this haggard rock chick with a whiny voice who likes to craft leather pieces that people can barely fit into and make them look like gay Hell's Angels.

She also designs for "hookers and pimps." So the next time your pimp is beating you in the face for his cash, you can rest assured that his assless chaps were made by Stella. Jennifer is a toothy girl who's from a small town in Italy. There's a lot of girls who look alike this season, so if I mix up names - don't get your titties in a twister over it.

Jennifer's bio video depicts her popping out of a spool of thread and it's so cheesy and Pinwheel on Nickelodeon in 1985 that I have  to crack up. Holly Golightly has gone to a Salvador Dali exhibit. That's how she classifies her designs. I'm starting to realize that you can only do so much with fashion and we've kind of seen everything by now. These people are going to have to start using bricks and water in their designs to impress me.

You will soon learn that Stella is really whiny but in a depressed way.  She's like a Xanax tab that doesn't quite handle ALL the anxiety. Jennifer's teeth can deflect bullets. Kelli owns a store in Columbus, Ohio and she has a lot of tattoos. She's poor but plucky.

My favorite character shows up. Her name is Terri and she looks sorta like every crackhead that's every approached you on the street offering to doodle your noodle for a five spot. She acts very demented, and out of it, and excited, and her hair is all over the place like she chased it down an alley, whacked it with a hammer, and put it on. Her hair and Blayne's (that's a major appliance, that's not a name!) hair should meet and have mixed-hair race children that will be very voluminous, unwashed,  and full of lowlights.

Jerry is a Gaysian (it's a new word) designer who claims he's very successful. Wait til' you see what he makes and then you're going to doubt his words. Trust me. You'll laugh and wonder if Jerry had Lasik gone wrong or something. 

Suede shows up, and he's our third person character. There's always one in the bunch. He's going to tell us how Suede feels. Suede is 37 and his hairdo is 56 because a blue mohwak was pretty hot back in the 70s in London when people gobbed at bands. In other words, cut it out, Suede. Suede needed to make millions for Suede because making millions for Jordache (they made millions? they're still around) wasn't working for Suede. I don't see it happening with his current look, but use your delusion, baby.

Keith shows up, and he's got the body this season. Seriously, he needs to wear wifebeaters all the time and then we'll get along just fine. Korto is from Liberia by way of Arkansas. She's stylish and striking and she's gonna be the one to say to Terry - "why you gotta make us look bad, crackhead?"

Here comes the rest of the girls that look exactly alike. Leanne is from Portland, and she's the "silent fashion assassin." That's going to look so hot on a business card. She actually looks like "the silent account manager that eats lunch alone." Actually, I think she just said she calls her clothing line "Leeanimal," so I might end up loving her.

Emily is the girl with the stylish haircut, and cute clothes, and she's the one that every chick who works downtown is going to admire this season. I might go out and get her Brooklyn bangs cut right now. She's also slightly less bitchy than Kenley, who is twerkin' Bettie Page's look. Kenley also looks like she's totally down for a fourgy, so people are going to identify with Emily more because looks like she could have a little more self-respect and not fling open the downstairs doors so easily.

Daniel is the guy this season with the short haircut and the neuroses. He's sort of a combination between Daniel Volsovic and the dude who sorta kinda hit on Heidi during the lingerie challenge and freaked her the eff out. "I love you, Heidi. I want to fill you with my love honey!" Wesley is the young kid from my home state of Massachusetts and he's doing his damnedest to make a dress shirt tucked into dress shorts look hot. It's not working. Everytime I see the shorts, I'm thinking some sort of kiddie porn boys academy fantasy and it gives me the skeeves. Maybe this is more of a reflection on my own twisted sexuality, so I'll stop talking about it.

Wesley worked for Marc Jacobs. His shorts don't look comfy. That's the only vibe I'm getting. Joe has two girls, 5 and 9. He's straight. Did you now that? Straight. He likes women, and that's that. No, he won't suck your dick, you homo! Straight! Cut it out! I'll punch you in the face!

Terri has wide eyes and she's looking forward to going up on the roof. Someone make sure to keep her from flying off. Heidi and Tim await on the roof with booze. Tim blows kisses. Heidi gives the customary plug for their apartments. Tim is no longer introduced as Parsons dude, he's now solely the chief creative officer of Liz Claiborne. I'm already dreading next season when this show moves to LA and gets really, really bad.

Tim is pumping his fist a lot and encouraging people. He's probably just happy that he doesn't have to deal with Veronica Webb's ass anymore. Because you know Bravo isn't bring his show back. He betrayed them! Stella does this weird thing where she paints eyelashes on her face to look like she's permanently surprised. It seems like the kind of thing a Kewpie doll-looking vaudevillian stripper would do, not a haggard, depressed rocker chick who probably has set a record for giving oral in the bathroom at the Whiskey A-Go-Go.

Heidi torments the designers by hawking a loogie on them and saying that they have to wait for their challenge until tomorrow morning. Instead, let's have some champs and see who gets loose and starts bad-mouthing people! Corks are popped and Tim kills a pedestrain when one of the corks goes over the edge. That's actually a good thing, this season might need a murder to spice things up.

Emily works for Smoke & Mirrors clothing, and she says they're just a "fledgling company" but I thought she said "fleshlight" company which made me admire her and see her as a little more fun than I thought previously. I also wondered if she brought samples and would be passing Tim one for one of his famous 3 AM mistakes.

Terri tells us that her style was if Aerosmith beat up Lauryn Hill and then had a baby with Michael Jackson. And when that baby came rolling out in a wheelchair with a surgical mask over its melting face, that's Terri's style. And I feel bad saying this, but her clothes are GHASTLY. Once you get past the crack state, Terri seems like an ok chick but she needs to reconsider her options and backtrack to a place in which she wasn't putting groovy butterfly collars over purple velour blazers. Burn, baby, burn!

She can make a 3-piece suit in an eight hour period. Well, you're never gonna have that much time. But can you beat your crack 'fro into submission? That's the real question. Heidi takes the opportunity to ask Keith about his style, and he makes the mistake many of us would which trying to put your lips directly on Heidis ass. Figuratively, of course. Heidi, who we know brooks no bullshit, is like uh, right.

Kenley takes the opportunity to ridicule Blayne's tan. Her aesthetic is "wow." We'll see about that. Daniel likes to pose with live animals which can't be good when they go on the fabric. Tim shows up at 4 am the next morning and someone curtly tells Leanna the silent fashion assassin to answer the door with her numchuks or knitting needles or whatever it is ninjas who shop at Joann Fabrics carry as weapons nowadays.

Tim wakes everyone up, and we get a niiicceee shot of Keith with no shirt on and pierced nipples. Just go like that, Keith. I mean, put on a jock or something, but that's all you need. Jennifer answers the door to Tim, and lets us know that she didn't brush her huge teeth. That's a lot of plaque.

Wesley walks the early morning streets in short shorts. Why does it make me uneasy? Those gams of ivory! Is there an amusement park in New York City that you can walk to in downtown? No, that's Coney Island, right? Leeanne seems to think that Tim is making them walk to Coney Island. Silent fashion assassins aren't too bright. I would say "no."

One huge indicator that this season is the beginning of the end is that they're recycling challenges. The designers end up at a supermarket, the same one as in Season One. Ugh, I hate that. And it wouldn't be right without a blast from the fashion past. So Austin Scarlett shows up, and he is woman, hear him roar. My god, the makeup on that lady's face. Austin has wonk-eye? Despite his foundation and his wonk-eye, he's delightful. We learn all about his cornhusk dress, which looks like it was falling apart but apparently the judges liked it.

Designers go insane in the market. Jerry says that he already has this "April showers bring May flowers" theme in mind. And let me tell you - it's going to be the hit of the show. Seriously, what this dude comes up with is so f*cking crazy, I laughed til' I cried. Buckle up and give it 20 min.

Terri's strategy is "mopheads, mopheads, mopheads." Mine, too. Stella's going to use "TRASHbbbbaaaaaaagggggssssss." She's a goat. And she has way too much booty packed into those stripey Dr. Seuss needs his stomach pumped pants she's twerkin'. Kelli nixed the tablecloths, which is a good idea. Tim gets on the PA and tell bitches to wrap it up!

Does anyone else think the X-Files sequel is going to be a huge flop? Kit Anti-Personnel Mine is here! She's made an outfit that matches the Saturn she didn't win! Back to Parsons! 2008! Appreciate! Suede uses the word "whack-a-doodle." I suddenly remember Jubilee Jumbles and I sigh. Joe, he's straight, is making a pasta dress. He's Italian and straight. Hey, I got what you need right here, lady!

Kelli is making dyes for paper. It actually looks marbelized and might be attractive. Daniel is making  dress out of beer cups. Perfect for beer pong. I want one! Blayne is....Blayne is....he's...weaving..somethign? I'm out. Jerrel sounds like he wrote all his catchphrases for the season down in a notebook and he's been practicing in the confessional interview in his mind. I hope he leaves soon.

Terri is crafting a top out of those mopheads. It looks like something that Ri-Ri Harvey wore down the Cape in the 70s right before my Dad knocked her full of me. Awww, freakout! Leeanne notices that every other bitch is working with tablecloths, too. Jerry seems to have no idea what this challenge is about seeing as he says people are using what "I just throw away in the trash." That's the challenge, knucklehead!

Stella by Starlight realizes that buying the 1-ply Glad bags wasn't the right strategy. She goes outside to have some SmartWater and hope it takes. People are joking and laughing and it's not funny. Where's Tim to f*ck someone up. Tim has no idea what he's looking at from Blayne. He chooses to move along and hope the melanoma hasn't gotten to Blayne's frontal lobe.

Kelli's skirt looks awesome. It's made out of vacuum cleaner bags and the dye looks kickass and pretty. But the top is wretched. Coffee filter pasties? No. And this irks me later on when....I won't go into it just yet. Stella complains to Tim that she has no material, and Tim's kinda like "well, you better find some, Janis Joplin."

Suede's dress is ugly and the blue belt makes it uglier. I kinda like Korto's yellow caftan. It just seems happy. Big and happy. Jerry's design looks totally like if I was given a roofie in a gay bar and woke up strapped to a table in someone's basement with someone about to separate my head from my body with a circular saw to use as an oral sex receptacle...that's what this person would be wearing. It's TERRIFYING. I love it. Watch him sell a million after this show.

Tim is bullshit over all the tablecloths. Emily is, too. She puts her hands on her hips and regards the camera angrily like they just caught her robbing a picnic for the precious tablecloth. Tim drops the word "slackers" and he damn well should. Keith is told to innovate, but all he really has to do is just wear tight t-shirts. Kors will fine with that.

Suede is talking in the third person again. There's a tablecloth panic. Jerry says his biggest fear is losing in the first round. Time to face your fears, homeboy. I would rather you slap me in the face with a nail-studded baseball bat than see Swing Vote. Suede is making his tablecloth dress even uglier. Blue and then gray and white gingham? Blayne is done with his...I still dont know what that is.

Stella is WHINING........and Jerell yells at her. He's dying to tell her to "cut and cry, cry while you cut, bitch." Put that garbage bag over your head and shut up, Stella! Stella says that she will be the "biggest jackass of the nation" if she goes home first. Well, you are on your way with those pigtails. Are those pigtails? Shit, maybe I need Lasik.

Welsey irons, and he's bare-chested and I don't mind his shorts suddenly. Kelli is scared of Nina's stank. Just call her "Meana," she loves that. Tim comes in to reel off the sponsors. Models show up. What the hell is Emily putting around her model's neck? Did she have a dog operation? Kenley feels her model's boobers up. Blayne's.....packing materials(?) don't fit his model. Kenley feels the same as I do about Jerry's outfit. Hey, she won't get any blood on her. A friend of mine swears that Jaslene is one of the models. Well, we need more deaf trannies on this show. Bulimic Germans are getting old.

Korto runs for her "VEGGIES!" Don't trip, it's only cherry tomatoes. Stella wants to vomit all over the place. Have a Saltine. Heidi legs her way out to recite the prizes. Keith made himself look like he's really into catching fireflies in jars during the home's 4th of July Big Hugs, America! cookout. I don't like it.

Kors! Garcia! The elegant lady known as Austin Scarlett, who's a poolboy? RUNWAY! And pause for a sec, because I have to dry my eyes after Jerry's outfit comes out. Oh lord. Oh by the way, Blayne is a MANIAC and I can see his model's vagina in that weird crotchguard outfit he made her. Seriously, I couldn't have known her folds better if I had come out of them.

It's down to Stella, Korto, Daniel, Blayne, Jerry, and Kelli. When Nina says "I like this," it means anyone else thinks it's phenomenal. And that's how she felt about Daniel's. Oh, Jerry. Jerry. Kors coins the term "bridal nurse." Heidi doesn't feel Jerry's "night out on the town" motivation. He gets raked over some fiery fashion bitch coals.

Korto's dashiki nailed it. Here comes Stella. And she was right. They realized she didn't bring anything to the party. Kelli gets huge marks, but I just can't get over those two burnt coffee filters on the model's tatters. Seriously, why is no one talking about this? I would have been like "ahem, coffee filters on her chest. Burnt. Hello?"

Kors and Nina crack me up when they assure Blayne his...jesus, I'm at a loss...penguin belly industrial swingset body thong(?) isn't boring. All of the judges note the diaper trying to crawl back to the center of life. Ugh.

Judges LOVE Kelli. I'm underwhelmed. To be truthful. They need a fashion breakdown or some crying. We need something. This should be the grandest season. None of these outfits wowed my ass. Heidi HATED Stella's garbage bags. Stella is the oracle at delphi! Nina tells Kors he would wear Jerry's outfit if he was killing someone. I knew Kors was a maniac. No man would wear white trousers with that much bronzer!

Kelli wins it. Hmmph. I think it should have been Jerry! It was post-modern and functional! It would repel all liquids! Blayne's in, for the crazy factor alone.

It's down to Jerry and Stella. Stella's thinking "can I just go smoke a f*cking butt, and get this shitz over with? Damn, I need to get some booze in me." Jerry's out and I'm devastated, Gaysian go home! No, Jerry!

Jerry says his rollercoaster just ended. Tim sends his ass home, and acknowledges we barely got to know him. And we never will. Jerry says he makes beautiful clothes. For serial killers!

Next - Stella burns a model. Korto is stank. Jerrel is annoying. Holla at yo boy, Tim. Gay pterodactyls. What?