Living Lohan: You Can't Contain That Kind Of Talent

Previously -

Ali showed Producer Jeremy the door. Probably because he was showing off his MySpace profile and whoring for jobs. Realizing he was being filmed, he decided against assault and batterying the 14-year-old. But he definitely thought about it.

Vegas. The Palms! Ali! Recording! Dina! Panicking! Dina speaks to severe Zoe about Ali firing Jeremy's skeevy ass. Dina and her cat face are in "panic mode" kinda like when Lindsay stopped working and started doing drugs full-time.

Severe Zoe runs around. Why does she need a name tag? She goes to find this Andrew dude to tell him that Whitney Houston, we have a problem. This Andrew guy, despite being some sort of president, is in the waiting room, laying on a couch and texting his boyfriend.

Andrew looks like he wants to fire Ali's 14-year-old annoying non-singing ass. President Andrew basically tells Zoe to handle it by getting the other producer. Eman is back. Dina mentions that Eman makes Ali feel comfortable, while Jeremy makes her feel like he wants her to be the new bottom bitch in his stable.

Eman has a song about putting things in the past, like older sister who are suddenly kissing girls.  The track he plays sounds like a Barry White imitator down at Friday night at the Cathay Pacific. That's a real place in Quincy. Ali insists it's Eman, he swears it's someone called the Mad Greek. I think a Barry White imitator crooning at you over some boneless spareribs would be better.

Dina gets approached by some guy in the gym while she's on a Stairmaster trying to get her cat face in shape. He's got a samurai haircut, and he's feyly squeezed into some sausage casings. Dina mentions that people are always hitting her up for jobs, and what have you. How sad is that? Having to approach Dragonhead, the Stagemom to make ends meet and try to jumpstart your career?

Dina finds herself chased around the gym by this sad, sad femme fatale. Dina is just trying to get her old lady vagine back to its Rockettes tightness in case she's gotta be someone's jumpoff to get Ali some tracks. Samurai Girl drops a card on Dina, and she manages not to laugh and rip it up.

Ali and her vocal coach record. Ali says she loves the new song about a Barry White imitator trying to defy statutory rape laws and get with her. Dina actually calls Samurai Girl, who's name is Jonnis. You should see the damn lead picture on the website. It's hip topless and frozen in a dance move. Jonnis - frozen in a dance move. This bitch can't believe Dina called him. Now he has to actually fake like he can dance.

He dances for Dina and there's a lot of hair-flopping and sleeves over fists. Hmmm hmm. That kind of gay. Dancer gay. Jonnis takes Dina for a spin. And she shows her stuff. Jonnis seduces Dina with the spirit of dance. It's breathtaking. And I totally need a Midol.

Ali is wearing the sluttiest top ever for a 14-year-old girl. For real, I would have her in a damn burqa. I don't want her to feel like she should be ashamed of her body, but there's a thin line between unashamed and putting it all on the clearance rack if you know what I'm sayin'.

Eileen, the friend with the dead daughter(?), has flown in to massage Dina's ego. Cody's here! Hey Code! He's the only reason I can endure this show. Cody is going to get an audience for his mom to dance in front of. Uh, doesn't she already do that at several peeler bars in the Long Island area? The producers and writers of this show I mean Cody has flyers printed up and puts them around the hotel. He gives them to random junkies and hookers around the Palms so they're assured of a good turnout because pockets are easy to pick when people are standing in a crowd and fixated on the former Rockette slapping off walls in front of them.

Dina joins the producers and that shell-shocked engineer guy. Eman assures Dina that Ali is well on her way to becoming the next Samantha Fox. Ali is just running around in active wear. Does she do Pilates? God, her youth is just gone. GONE.

Dina and Ali meet Jonnis in the lobby, where he's been hustling ass to afford soup. There's a big line-up for the theatre which apparently is so people can watch a menopausal woman make a giant fool out of herself. With a cat face. Cody apparently made some scratch off this venture, so more power to him. Buy some more soccer balls or put some money aside to afford the lawyer who will help you emancipate yourself from your parents.

By the way, Cody's flyers about Dina's "show" say "it'll be sick." He's got that right. Dina climbs the stage with her purse, which doesn't exactly give off that sexy dancer vibe. Because you know shes' got Metamucil in there and some Juicy Fruit and that tampon she'll never have to use again.

I find it difficult that people can't find something more f*cked up to watch in Vegas than Dina Lohan dancing. Ok, I'm wrong. Cody drops some verses to introduce Hell Mom, and for a second I find him irritating. Jonnis and Dina then do this dance routine that...it's kind of like the time I danced with my mom to "Celebration" at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, and we didn't mesh well. I would be Dina.

Dina does some moves that would make any stripper proud, including a cartwheel into a split. You know her old lady vagine was screaming at that one. Dina said she was in such pain but she felt right at home spreading her legs. Ali was totally gnashing her teeth with jealousy.

Gay Uncle Paul is here. So is Ali's do-rag. Are you kidding? All the Maloofs are here. There's booze. And I sorta have a crush on beefy George Maloof. He's probably dumb and impotent, but I can work around that. Ali gleams in her mom's love. That f*cking Lindsay can't wreck this one!

Dina and the kids pack up. Is that Banksy behind one of the Maloofs during the toast? Hawt! The Lohans are home to their hellish dogs. Here's tired Alexis! Ali just got home and she's stressed out. She can't reach the Maloofs on the phone. Take a hint, baby. Michael Lohan is here, and being his usual douche. He won't let anyone get a word in edgewise. Kinda how he handles his girlfriend. Did she leave his ass, yet? Where is she? I need answers.

Ali finally reaches Andrew. And he basically tells her that her music sucks and they need to sweeten that shit in the studio. A lot! Like, they're bringing one of the unemployed Destiny's Children in to re-cut the tracks. Ali needs to get a second job because all she's doing is sitting around and bothering Dina. She suggests Ali go see a movie and call her girlfriends. Well the movie part is doable.

Dina gets a call from Ali's agent. Some director wants to use Ali in a horror remake. I know, I thought it was for porn at first too. Dude, she looks like she's 46 and done a couple of those! Dina has an amazing quote that goes "just like Lindsay, you can not contain talent like that." I almost have to commend her for her delusions. They're what's keeping her afloat.

Next - Ali doesn't feel good. And the director is fat. Ali doesn't like fat people.