Living Lohan: Trolls

Previously - Ali Lohan realized her epic dreams by recording two songs in Las Vegas and getting a producer fired. Dina Lohan recognized her epic dreams by writhing about on stage with some gay dancer in front of ten people like a stripper on the day shift in 1977 Times Square. Cody Lohan realized his epic dreams by getting to go home and play soccer and not have to act as cute, neglected puppy to these two bitches. Nana Love better be in this finale or I'm writing a letter.

If Nana Lohan isn't in this episode..I don't know what I'll do. Please tell me she didn't die in the interim while they were in Vegas. Oh Jesus. Leave it to Dina to leave her mother's funeral arrangements until later. "Well, I was torn. Ali HAD to finish those tracks!"

Ugh, it's douchebag Michael Lohan and his enslaved girlfriend Nina. If you'll think back, Nina showed her independence by leaving Michael for a brief moment to visit her parents and he acted like she took out her tampon and changed it in front of his grandmother.

He is such a twenty-year-old entitled mewling bitch. Let's put it this way, he just described Nina as "respectful." Don't you usually describe your adolescent that way if they remember to hold doors for old people? He's such a prick. Why is she staying? Her golddigger antennae are off if she thinks this weepy vagina's going to have cash someday.

For instance, Nina asks if her and Michael can do something with just the two of them and the response is "you don't want to hang out with Cody?" So, either bitch has some major wax build-up or she's basically just a working vagina that emits white noise to him. Meanwhile, Cody is stalking the hallway with a big squirt-gun listening to this conversation. Because in Dina Lohan World, chicanery and eavesdropping is what gets you ahead. If by "ahead" you mean junkie daughter who creates leggings with convenient blowjob kneepads.

Cody gets his vengeance on Nina but assaulting her with seriously giant squirt gun. It's so big that it leaks water everywhere. And Cody has no qualms about getting the entire house soggy in his quest to annihilate Nina from the earth via soaking.

Cody obviously hates Nina for taking him away from Michael. Michael has obviously pitted the needy girlfriend against his foster son. For such an immature douchebag, he takes after his mother when it comes to psychological torture. Michael somehow realizes he's not getting any of that laffy taffy unless he throws Nina a bone (double entendres are tricky and confusing) and asks Ali to occupy Cody so they can go out.

Ali refuses and is like "why can't you just hang out here?" Cause, bitch, squirt guns are funny for five minutes and you look like the 44-year-old lady at the make-up counter at Filene's Basement! Michael goes through his bullshit about balancing family and Nina.

The concern is Cody freaking out when they go off on their own. Seriously? You can't leave for two hours? Then I think you should take Cody and drop him off at a counselor. In five years, he'll be slitting his wrists on his girlfriend's lawn when she asks to be able to use the bathroom without him accompanying her and Dina will just sell the pictures to a tabloid. Anonymously, of course. She'll use the name "Mina Bohan."

Ali tells Michael that Cody never sees him. Michael and Nina leave. Nina actually looks guilty. We get a lot of shots of sad Cody. Just pass him a soccer ball! He'll be fine. Anyway, it looks like the next day because Ali is throwing cold cuts, Michael is playing cards with Cody and some frat penis with an ok upper body is in the kitchen. I know this doesn't really go with the theme but can he do some booty dancing? That would seriously raise my opinion of this show from "uh, yeah. These people suck." to "These people suck but hey - ass."

The girls win at partner poker? What are they playing? And they're annoying about it. Has anyone noticed that Ali and Cody never go out and hang with their friends? Cody is all bullshit when he loses. Kind of like I used to be when we would play Candy Land as a kid and I was six and I would throw the board at my family and scream "I'm gay! How do ya like THEM apples?"

Cody says that Nina is an idiot, and tells her to leave. Cody doesn't mince words. He's a ginge, he doesn't need to. Cody then coats some bread with what looks like Nutella and slams it on Nina's face. Wow. Michael merely laughs. Nina leaves, bullshit because Michael doesn't stick up for her. Well, you've got Nutella on your face. I guess it's funny?

Michael interrogates Cody instead of beating his ass like you should always do with children. Cody is obviously running this household. And you thought it was Lindsay when she comes on her yearly visit to steal the silverware to sell for whippets. Who knew?

Cody confesses he wants alone time with Michael. This conversation takes place in Dina's office. Did you know she doesn't use file cabinets and instead uses soggy cardboard boxes? No wonder why Lindsay turned to vagina to forget her upbringing.

A messenger drops off the script for "Troll." Ali mentions it's a lot of "greenscreen" and that it's "pretty exciting." It's a remake of a bad 80s horror movie that even I didn't see. And I've seen most of them. Is Dina playing the Troll? She lets Ali know that she's going to meet the director tomorrow. Ali's freaked. The family ridicules the script for its fantasy elements. Because none of them have an imagination.

Ali puts a ponytail in and starts trying to learn the script. Michael's trying to download porn and Ali rolls up to make him run lines with her. Michael mentions he used to do this with Lindsay. He tells us that Ali loves acting and singing equally. Is Michael an acting coach?  Ok, so Ali can't act either. But this movie sounds so bad, and I know the original director/writer claims he used the name "Harry Potter" first but he's using it again for the re-make! Uh, you've been sorta taken over.

Ali stumbles over the lines, and thinks she's going to blow it. This chick is way too stressed for a 14-year-old. Nina goes to confront Cody. Cody instructs Nina how to shoot a basketball and she kisses him and tells him she isn't there to steal his bro. This is touching. Nina finds Michael downloading porn (again) and Michael gives the f*cking run-down on his family sitch and how Cody is crazy.

Nina calls Michael "Mikey" and tells him that he's "too cute." Oh you brainwashed broad. It's morning and Nana Love tries to rouse Ali for her audtion. Ali lies that she's sick and Nana Love tells that that's "a pile of shit." I love this woman. Nana explains that Ali has a "natural talent." Oh Nana. For what - makeup application?

Ali is being a brat as the family yells at her and she hides her face with an...electric razor? Michael again voices the opinion that Ali has a lot of "natural talent." For wearing chokers? Nana Love is going with them! Nana says that Lindsay was much more composed. So basically, she thinks Ali is shameful.

The Lohan clan arrive at the audition space. Dina throws Ali to the wolves. The director looks like he's known a cheeseburger or two in his lifetime and like he might be on his last legs. Dude also is already wearing a "Troll" t-shirt. I can't wait to see how this Harry Potter thing works out. Good luck with that.

Ali asks him what the main plot is. He asks her "is it complicated?" Someone's either overly defensive of his script or doesn't want STUPID 14-year-olds in his movie. Troll Guy spins this web of story about witches and trolls and Ali is like "uh, is there any texting in this film?" Troll Guy also shows her some sketches of her character, who has some pretty big cleavage for a 14-year-old role.

This dude says "we're talking to people in China" about shooting there. Talking? Ali's going to end up trapped in white slavery. Dina will just sell the footage to a tabloid under the name "Rina Dohan." The producer has a jacked-up wig. Ali's very nervous. Probably cause Troll Guy is looking at her like she's a Burger King Italian Chicken sandwich with a side of onion rings. Pedo.

Ali tears through the lines and Troll Guy tells her to "make it delicious." Pardon me? Uh. Help, police! Troll Guy is screwed because he knows he has to get SOME kind of name for the role so the movie gets the greenlight and he's reduced to the wooden Ali and he can see his vision falling apart. But he's trying to hold it together. He's going to be found dead in his trailer in a diaper with an empty bottle of Jack clutched in his hamhock on the last day of filming. Dina will have since taken over the direction, and the new title of the movie will be "Dina and Ali Lohan: Trolls!"

Dina and Nana Love are in the low-rent greenroom and Nana's concerned that Ali sucks. Dina tells her that a really good director will see that someone has talent whether or not they show it. Oh, she gave SO many blowjobs to become a Rockette. Cat face blowjobs. Btw, the dialogue they're giving Ali is so weirdly adult and medieval that this movie is going to be hilarious.

The Lohans are leaving when the casting director practically hurls herself on their trunk. Basically that old producer dude in the wig told Troll Guy that without "Lohan" on the poster, he's not getting his D&D wank fantasy made. So they give her the part. We hear that Ali "nailed it." We get our second audio appearance of Lindsay, who wants no part of this mess. She quickly hangs up on Ali to get back to coochie eating. "On set" my ass.

Maloof guy calls. They have Ali's song. Dina and Ali dance to it. This is so touching if it wasn't such a mess. We get a montage of all the episodes. This is so beautiful, I might shit. That was crude, but you feel me. Dina gives us a "these girls are talented." And there's going to be some meeting with labels. Dina has already bought a pair of Lindsay's blowjob leggings just in case.