Denise Richards: It's Over

Previously - Denise went topless in Hawaii. That's seriously about all that happened. Oh, she got mad at a photographer. And..yeah. I'm waiting for the eyebrow tweezing episode.

Denise is readying for her press tour to promote the show. She's doing the Today Show, CNN, and the View. Oh, those View yentas are going to tear her limb from limb. I've seen them. Whoopi doesn't play that.

12 shows in two days! She's off to New York. Denise tells her kids that she's off to New York to pimp a show about pimping them. One of her kids wants a pink doll that pees from FAO Schwartz. The quality of the video has changed. Did E! run out of money and just start filming this sad bitch with a handi-cam?

Denise in NYC! She's there with that crazy blonde. Denise hikes it to the toy store before the shit hits the fan. You know it's gonna, because this press tour turns ugly like Quasimodo.  Denise takes some time to get snapped playing with the big piano in FAO Schwartz. If you ever get a chance to go there, do it but make ready for that damn song that plays over and over and over again. Welcome to our world, my fat ass!

Denise admits that her and Crazy Kim looked like dipshits out there. This is backed up by a pixelated woman staring at them with mild digust. You can tell through the piexellation. Denise is staying at the Trump. Kim does her makeup, and she has a plate of food on her lap. It's grounding her. Denise is crazy nervous because she realizes that everyone hates her dumb ass. I would be, too.

Dude, keep getting every acting role you can, release a tell-all and keep it at that.  Who's advising her. Denise gets her hair done and takes the time to let some sailors run a train on her. Just don't mess up her hair, fellas!

Denise makes it onto the Today Show. Matt Lauer asks her why she's doing a reality show, which everyone else is going to ask her - but probably less politely. Denise says she wasn't expecting to get asked those questions. What the hell else are they going to ask you? About your hair product? There's only so many questions one can ask about Neve Campbell's breath.

We get this awesome funeral music. Denise gets to the next show, and she has a conference with her publicist, Jill. Jill is ready to elbow the cameraman. It's actually quite interesting to watch a seasoned publicist talk a dumb actress down from her ledge. I think I'd rather see a show about Jill dealing with her various clients.

So basically, every time she gets asked about putting her kids on television - Denise freezes up and it starts raining and with the derge music. I LOVE IT. Denise changes her clothes for Larry King and she looks SO suspicious on camera. Like she's planning to stab Larry or waiting for the Feds to bust in on her.

And Larry asks her about her kids, to which she responds by plucking whiskers out of her chinny-chin-chin. More funeral music, this time with a chorus of sad children! Denise calls Michelle Plain and Tall to cry about how she hasn't done interviews in three years and no one's being nice to her. Michelle's like "I gotta go, my beefy husband needs oral. Latah."

Kim tells Denise to do Extra. Sure, listen to this crazy blonde. SHE doesn't have to go on TV. Oh, and all of a sudden - Kim's her best friend. And Denise says her gut says no, but she's considering it. Denise's hair stylist Max is Australian (Australians are all hair stylists or newspaper writers). Wait, is he? Anyway, he's grizzled and probably drunk.

Denise actually goes on a sympathetic show, where the lady asks her why everyone hates her ass. Denise is pissed at this, too! Wait, that chick was being nice. Seemingly. Denise decides to speak with Extra and stalks around with Jill. Denise is looking older with each talk show.

Denise films a tease for Extra in which she defiantly states that she didn't even want to do the interview. That's awesome for them! Denise goes through this whole thing for Extra in which she talks about wanting to end the circus and be left alone. Honey! Honey! Sweetie! Denise pie! You're doing a REALITY SHOW ABOUT YOUR LIFE. You stole a husband and are engaged in a horrific divorce! It's not about your job as an anthropologist. Publicist Jill looks at the camera like "I wonder if Betty White's hiring..."

Denise begs Jill to tell her that doing the interview was the right move. It's fairly obvious that Jill doesn't think so, but still wants to get paid so she's trying to fudge it. Denise decides to go shopping. And get her picture taken while doing so. Wait, are they not showing her fighting Whoopi Goldberg? What the-?!! It's what I'm here for!

Denise comes back with dolls for the kids. Here kids, no go play and dont bother Mommy. Denise sits with Irv, and cries. Irv says that maybe she should cancel her press junket. LISTEN TO IRV. Nope. She sets off for more interviews the next day, because she's so proud of her new show.

She has to sit with a BUNCH of different cities via telecommunications. She loves that phrase "the high road" a lot. My boyfriend's ready to punch her. Denise is all, after doing the interviews, I want to get back to what's important." "The high road?" my boyfriend says. I love that guy.

Denise plays with the kids on scooters. And we get a montage. And Denise totally pimps the kids for that last hot. Oh, sweetie.