Hello! Your children (if you have them and are unlike me - barren and bitter) are probably back in school right now. Which means you are probably feeling really good about life. Let those teachers deal with them! Damn! It's been three months of "Mom, where's my snorkel?" Who needs that shit? Enjoy and welcome to the Back-To-School-Like-Rodney-Dangerfield installment of Unqualified with J. Harvey!
For those of you who don't have children, it's probably the same ole, same ole. You're either at work and despising your job and fantasizing about the Fed-Ex guy or brawny girl, lazing about on the couch while collecting disability and eating Percocet, or telecommuting from home and wondering why you're slowly going insane like Catherine Deneuve in Roman Polanski's Repulsion. I feel you. You are ALSO welcome to the Back-To-School-Like-Rodney-Dangerfield installment of Unqualified with J. Harvey!
This week, a reader who was saddled with a friend's ex as a sorta friend wants to know how to drop that ass. And not in the up-in-the-club-on-a-plaform-way. Keep reading.
Dear J.,
Almost a decade ago I became friends with this woman that one of my guy friends was dating. She was fun and we clicked and had a great time together, but it wasn't a really close bond. She broke off their engagement (it was ugly) and I kept in touch with her occasionally because she was sort of a mess after the break-up. A long time has passed and I really don't have much in common with her anymore. My problem is, even though we barely keep in touch she keeps sending my husband and I birthday and Christmas gifts and then I feel like I have to reciprocate- which I know makes it seem to her like we are closer than we are. I don't even know what to get her because I haven't seen her in so long and I have no idea what her interests are these days. Now she invited me to her wedding- do I send a gift or is now the time to cut her off completely? If she was someone I was really close with, it wouldn't be an issue at all, but I could live my entire life without seeing this person again. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. I know it's my fault for not making a clean break when they first broke up, but since you're sort of the Emily Post of this generation, what do you think is the best way to proceed now that I have fucked up and dragged this out? And please don't tell me she sounds hot and she probably met her fiancee on www.richdudes.com.
Your imaginary hag
Dear My Imaginary Hag,
Are you the kinda hag who has money? Some do. If so, you can be my real hag. Seriously, I need someone to start treating me in the manner to which I can quickly become accustomed. The boyfriend's a wonderful human being, but the devil needs Prada if you know what I'm saying.
Anyway, life is too short for you to be stressing everytime this unreceptive to "I barely know you, why are we still in touch" vibes chick sends you a meat log at Christmas. (Is that an actual thing? If not, what the f*ck was I dipping crackers into at the last Christmas party I attended?) While it's true that it's nice to have a wide and varied selection of pals - you barely know this chick and your philanthropic social tendencies and womanly solidarity after your male friend's breakup with her left you stuck with someone that you have to make an effort with in everything that concerns her. Ugh, who needs the pressure. Life is way too short to be trifling with people that you have no idea why they're in your life. It sounds cruel and cold, but you've got shit to do!
Anyway, slowly phase your way out of her life. Start by saying you won't be able to make it to the wedding in your return reply. You're actually doing her a favor, because she saves the money on your dinner and you don't want to be part of it anyway. As for the Christmas and birthday thing, start getting her gift certificates for totally bland stores like Target and Wal*Mart and Auto Zone in ever dwindling denominations. And then start to phase out on those. If she's an e-mailer, start sending her replies back that are really short and ALWAYS mention how busy you are in every single one. If she starts inviting you to get drinks or whatever, always beg off that you're really busy and try not to say things like "raincheck" and "but we seriously have to get together soon."
At this point, start not replying to her e-mails. She will either a) get the hint that she's an extraneous friend and has the self-respect enough to be like "why am I bothering with this bitch?" or b) she will confront you with "is everything ok? I haven't heard from you in ages. Hope for A. If it's B, you're either going to have to go back to square one and start all over again (hopefully the wedding's already happened) or tell her the truth. Depends on how brave you are. If you are, just explain that you're been crazy busy and you're trying to pare down on a lot of the stresses in life. She might get the hint at that point. Jesus, I hope so, otherwise you might have to come out and tell her that you're all set with her and that could get ugly. In that case, tell her you're in treatment for a bipolar condition or substance abuse and your counselors want you to reevalute your friendships. I know this is terrible, and I usually prescribe honesty - but sometimes a lie is needed. It just is.
Of course, you could tell her the truth from the beginning, but the slow phase-out could prevent hurt feelings on her part. And you don't sound like that kind of chica.
Hope this helps. What do my beautful readers have to say?
Please keep sending me questions about how to end friendships to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!
Please note that J. Harvey is not a childcare specialist, priest, therapist, counselor, or even a good listener. In other words, don't sue.
For those of you who don't have children, it's probably the same ole, same ole. You're either at work and despising your job and fantasizing about the Fed-Ex guy or brawny girl, lazing about on the couch while collecting disability and eating Percocet, or telecommuting from home and wondering why you're slowly going insane like Catherine Deneuve in Roman Polanski's Repulsion. I feel you. You are ALSO welcome to the Back-To-School-Like-Rodney-Dangerfield installment of Unqualified with J. Harvey!
This week, a reader who was saddled with a friend's ex as a sorta friend wants to know how to drop that ass. And not in the up-in-the-club-on-a-plaform-way. Keep reading.
Dear J.,
Almost a decade ago I became friends with this woman that one of my guy friends was dating. She was fun and we clicked and had a great time together, but it wasn't a really close bond. She broke off their engagement (it was ugly) and I kept in touch with her occasionally because she was sort of a mess after the break-up. A long time has passed and I really don't have much in common with her anymore. My problem is, even though we barely keep in touch she keeps sending my husband and I birthday and Christmas gifts and then I feel like I have to reciprocate- which I know makes it seem to her like we are closer than we are. I don't even know what to get her because I haven't seen her in so long and I have no idea what her interests are these days. Now she invited me to her wedding- do I send a gift or is now the time to cut her off completely? If she was someone I was really close with, it wouldn't be an issue at all, but I could live my entire life without seeing this person again. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. I know it's my fault for not making a clean break when they first broke up, but since you're sort of the Emily Post of this generation, what do you think is the best way to proceed now that I have fucked up and dragged this out? And please don't tell me she sounds hot and she probably met her fiancee on www.richdudes.com.
Your imaginary hag
Dear My Imaginary Hag,
Are you the kinda hag who has money? Some do. If so, you can be my real hag. Seriously, I need someone to start treating me in the manner to which I can quickly become accustomed. The boyfriend's a wonderful human being, but the devil needs Prada if you know what I'm saying.
Anyway, life is too short for you to be stressing everytime this unreceptive to "I barely know you, why are we still in touch" vibes chick sends you a meat log at Christmas. (Is that an actual thing? If not, what the f*ck was I dipping crackers into at the last Christmas party I attended?) While it's true that it's nice to have a wide and varied selection of pals - you barely know this chick and your philanthropic social tendencies and womanly solidarity after your male friend's breakup with her left you stuck with someone that you have to make an effort with in everything that concerns her. Ugh, who needs the pressure. Life is way too short to be trifling with people that you have no idea why they're in your life. It sounds cruel and cold, but you've got shit to do!
Anyway, slowly phase your way out of her life. Start by saying you won't be able to make it to the wedding in your return reply. You're actually doing her a favor, because she saves the money on your dinner and you don't want to be part of it anyway. As for the Christmas and birthday thing, start getting her gift certificates for totally bland stores like Target and Wal*Mart and Auto Zone in ever dwindling denominations. And then start to phase out on those. If she's an e-mailer, start sending her replies back that are really short and ALWAYS mention how busy you are in every single one. If she starts inviting you to get drinks or whatever, always beg off that you're really busy and try not to say things like "raincheck" and "but we seriously have to get together soon."
At this point, start not replying to her e-mails. She will either a) get the hint that she's an extraneous friend and has the self-respect enough to be like "why am I bothering with this bitch?" or b) she will confront you with "is everything ok? I haven't heard from you in ages. Hope for A. If it's B, you're either going to have to go back to square one and start all over again (hopefully the wedding's already happened) or tell her the truth. Depends on how brave you are. If you are, just explain that you're been crazy busy and you're trying to pare down on a lot of the stresses in life. She might get the hint at that point. Jesus, I hope so, otherwise you might have to come out and tell her that you're all set with her and that could get ugly. In that case, tell her you're in treatment for a bipolar condition or substance abuse and your counselors want you to reevalute your friendships. I know this is terrible, and I usually prescribe honesty - but sometimes a lie is needed. It just is.
Of course, you could tell her the truth from the beginning, but the slow phase-out could prevent hurt feelings on her part. And you don't sound like that kind of chica.
Hope this helps. What do my beautful readers have to say?
Please keep sending me questions about how to end friendships to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!
Please note that J. Harvey is not a childcare specialist, priest, therapist, counselor, or even a good listener. In other words, don't sue.
green cardigan says:
I missed this 'unqualified' item yesterday. I had to 'search' it, to give you an idea of how it has become my favourite weekly post in Socialitelife.
Yes, this is a case for curtains and fade out. I think this girl is still in touch with you as you are a link to her past love, and sometimes its hard to let that go fully. Been there, got the teeshirt, stalked his family. JOKING!
BUT, its time for her to move on now. She's getting married to someone else. Let the past behind. She has to be discouraged from sending meat logs. You can decline the wedding invitation nicely. Don't feel obliged to send back gifts in return to her gifts...Don't feel obliged to reply to every email either. Decide that if you have, say, contact with her 9 to 10 times a year, you are going to half that next year and again the year after until the 'friendship' has been phased out. Then feelings don't get hurt and everyone can get on with their daily lives.
Genny says:
I did this with a crazy ex-neighbor, and it's awkward. She started asking our mutual acquaintances (including my parents) "what's wrong with Genny? Is she mad at me?" When really, the explanation would have been too painful to share: "You're totally insane. Lose my number. Stop forwarding shit to me at work." This one was one step below bunny-boiling for reals. I still have to see her at the grocery store once in a blue moon but I'm such a coward that I go to all lengths to avoid contact if I can. Life is hard and you don't have to be friends with everyone. Crap, I don't even get to see the people I LIKE.
green cardigan says:
I've just realised today is the 4th Sept. I thought this item was on Wednesdays. I'm deeply confused now. Jaysus, i need to lie down in the dark now.
Christa says:
I am a master at blowing people off. I used to be very nice and let it drag on FOREVER. One day this girl I was trying to phase out went nutto on me. It changed my life. I lost my mind on her and told her how clingy and annoying she was and she better "step off". FREEDOM! Now, I just cut off the part that stinks. No use in trying to take that band aid off slowly. Just let it rip! You will save so much time and frustration! You don't have to be rude, just don't return calls or e-mails. If that doesn't work inform them there is a hint in ignoring them.
Hmmm.. I wonder why I don't have any friends? Ha!
An says:
You know, typically I agree with your advice, JH, but this time, I'm up in the air. When it comes to ending friendships, I always prefer the direct approach. While the phase-out keeps you on good terms should the person's spouse somehow purchase your company ten years in the future, but I always felt it was a bit too wishy-washy -
OC Trophy Wife says:
She keeps in contact with you so that she has some kind of connection to her old boyfriend. She may not even be conscious of it.
I think you should send her a quick email that says for the health of her marriage, she should break the ties to the ex, including you. Marriage is tough enough without old baggage.
Kindly decline the invitation. End it on a positive note by saying you are sure that she will be a beautiful bride and that you wish her and her husband many blessings.
When she replies, I wouldn’t even read it. Silence on your end will come across as continued concern for her.
Quick. No wedding gift. No obligatory Christmas gifts. SWEET FREEDOM!
T-Bone says:
She either really likes you a lot, OR, she's trying hard to keep some sort of tie with her old boyfriend and YOU are that tie. Either way, as adults, Christmas gifts and birthday gifts usually come from either close family members or very, very close friends -- not someone you see a few times a year. If she's not even your close friend it's a tad odd that she sends you gifts all the time. Seems sort of desperate and manipulative (think Single, White, Female ;) Anyway, if you like her enough to go to the wedding, go. But stop the other stuff. If you continue to send gifts back to her and respond to every e-mail (out of guilt), you're only reinforcing her behavior.
evodevo says:
I think you should just be honest with her that you don't want to be friends anymore. I think the gradual phase-out idea is cruel, actually. You don't have to tell her she's annoying (unless she is) but if you want to make an excuse, you can say something like, you are trying to simplify your life. Then she can focus her energies on people who actually want to be friends with her.
I think it's a good idea to make a clean break when you RSVP "no" to her wedding. Just be like, "Very best wishes for your marriage and I would prefer if we didn't send each other gifts any more & we should each concentrate on our new lives." You can find a kind way to be honest with her.
But I think it's better to just end the friendship. You think if you draw it out they won't notice & then their feelings won't get hurt, but they will notice, & no one enjoys the realization that someone was just pretending to be a friend.