America's Next Top Model: Yakkity Yak, Nekeysha Don't Talk Back

Previously - Clark sucks. Hannah sucks. There's nothing in Alaska. Sharaun sucked, collapsed, and left.

The new credits feature the models in headbands which is my new pet peeve. What is this stupid headband thing going on? If I see anyone twerkin' those in my immediate area, I'm going to whip out the scissors and start making them into shoelaces.

L.A. ladies! Marjorie is up on the wall back at the house, but this hasn't really helped her nerves or the fact that she looks like Michael Alig. Don't kill Angel, Michael, you'll end up in prison!  Nikeysha realizes she made an ass out of herself at the judging by cutting the judges off and making up excuses for why her photos sucked. She pledges to shut up next panel. Good luck.

Miss Isis said her biggest challenge is keeping her face soft and pretty. You actually look less harder than some of these other bitches. BENNY NINJA IS HERE! It's time for the pose learnin'! He's got some contortionist chick inside a book.  Boxing Helena! How did they slide her in there, though. Is that painful?

Anyway, she's a contortionist/model from Australia. It turns out that Sheena is also a contortionist, albeit one of a more Maxim nature. Nekeysha, who appears to be up in everyone's situation, says she's warned Sheena about her tendency to pose with her breasts and her backside.

The girls have to pose in fabric tubes. Heh, this is getting creepier. And funnier. Nekeyshia fumbles with her tube so much that she actually might choke herself with it. Well, it will prevent her from mouthing off at judging! Nekeyshia asks Benny if her terrible poses don't look cute to him. No, Ney, they don't.

Isis is looking a little Mom-ish this go round. It's the feathered hair. Apparently, Sheena's booty dropping impressed Australian circus girl because she gets props from her. Girls get ready for bed by having an orgy in the pool. They play Truth or Dare, and Sheena is dared to dance. Which she does looking like the early shift dancer at the Spearmint Rhino. She notes that she needs to tone down her sexuality. I don't think this is the way. Howabout a burqa, or some sort of Amish garb?

Sheena says that she doesn't see herself as a hooch as the ANTM editors (who never fail me) cut to her thusting her booty in girl's face. She's got a nice ass, but this is not one of the 12 steps of hooch recovery. Elina and Clark make out. Uh, Clark, is this one of the things your good Southern background taught you? Wouldn't you be shot for walking down the street with another lady attached to your lips, you double-faced sow?

Clark is that girl who will make out with a sorority sister to get a dude hard for her, but would go "ewww" and shout something as she was driving by in a car at a butch lesbian couple. She seriously belongs in a jail for useless people.

Oh, and this freaks out Alaskan Hannah. She comes from a small town. Were you aware? Yes, a small town that doesn't have electricity or voting. She says she would never hang out with "characters" like Isis (transgender), Sheena (Asian?) or Elina (bi.) How thrilling. Not to bag on Alaska, but keep in mind that this is someone Sarah Palin governs. Hannah demonstrates her disgust with things that her tiny mind can't comprehend by pushing Hannah in the hottub when she gets too close to her.

Hannah says she "has her space." Meanwhile, there are two broads pushed up against and basically rubbing side boobage with her. Can you space be a closed garage with the car running? Isis says she's starting to get annoyed.

Hannah then opens her mouth and inserts her foot, her ankle, her calf, and the lower half of her knee when she says she's the "stereotypical white person" who doesn't like "black music" and isn't loud when she walks in a room. Uh......Sarah Palin, come get your constituent.

Brittany and Sheena make her cry over it. She does that crying through a smile thing and I refuse to give in. Brittany speaks with Nekeysha and Joslyn about Hannah's idiocy. Isis turns to Annaleigh to distract her while she gives herself her hormone injections. Annaleigh took it as a compliment and tells Isis so. Isis is like, whatever, are there any pizza rolls? Every day is not an after school special for Ms. Isis.

The girls go and meet Benny the next day and he is decked out in finery and doing a split. Don't you just picture his day to day life as a serious of voguing poses? The mailman comes and he says hi to him through his legs while wearing a giant Vegas showgirl headpiece. I want to be his neighbor.

The girls are auditioning for some chick in pink who makes handbags. They have to make her collection pop. The winner will win a bag full of accessories and jewelry. Some of the poses are crazy. Hannah shoves her bag in a lamp. One girl uses her nasty feet to hold the bag and I'm waiting for Pink Wig to snatch out from between her toe jam lockers. So many people used their toes that it became a "problem" for Pink Wig.

Nekeysha says she had to pee to Pink Wig and everyone's fouled out. Wow, is she country. She also can't strike a pose. Nejeyshush Interruptus might be going home. Sheena finds herself at an after-hours show in Tijuana and puts her bag in the fork of her crotch with her leg over her head. Please keep all ping-pong balls and lit cigarettes away from her.

Pink Wig and Benny Ninja tear them down. Elina wins. To celebrate, she makes out with Clark. Kidding. Nekeysha is holding court on Hannah's racism. Sheena decides that Hannah is discriminating against people. This thing moved fast. Hannah might get her ass beaten right in the living room. Nekeysha seems to be running this scene, and doing it while wearing some intense blue eye shadow. I'm glad someone is finally bringing it back. Now get a white jumper and I will see you down at 54, disco lady.

Joslyn asks her right out if she's "prejudice." Marjorie points out that Hannah feels ambushed and Joslyn sets Michael Alig straight. Yikes. Hannah is crying in the kitchen on Annaleigh's shoulder. Hannah can't believe that she's being referred to as a racist.

We meet Big Whitney's family! They're on a bus! There's Mom Big Whitney. She's not getting any work is she? McKey sits with Hannah, and says that Hannah is misunderstood. Hannah refers to her confrontation with the ethnic girls in the house as "gang violence." This bitch has naught a clue. None. At all. Is she like going through the subtle racist's handbook or something and using all the buzzwords?

The very young-sounding Samatha tells us about the "huge friggin' balloon" that Mr. Jay is floating in. The girls have to pose on a rope ladder hanging from the balloon's basket. Ooh, which one is the scared of heights girl? The photographer is kinda hot in his v-neck and scalley and big pecs.

Hannah is sitting suddenly in her makeup chair, perhaps fearing gang violence. Lauren Brie Cheese is the first to go. She notes that the balloon is unsteady. She sorta speaks in a monotone that, combined with her pale eyes, makes me think she might be zombie who gained the power of speech.

They have to screw the balloon, and the girls are just hanging off ladders off a forklift now. Brie Cheese does very well. Mr. Jay screams "oh my god" at how good Elina is. Hannah is still hurting over her "racist" rep. Dude, why don't you ask them why they think of you that way and explain your damn self and put this to bed. Annaleigh is having a problem and looks like she's escaping a fire. Sheena is able to hold onto the ladder with no arms or legs. Mr. Jay notes that you shouldn't be holding onto the ladder with your asscheeks. The editors seriously want us to think Sheena is a sex professional.

Isis' face is betraying her. Nekeysha is so bad that Mr. Jay has to blot his upper lip. Nekeysha is giving it up to God. Brittany can't pose. Joslyn rocks it. Hannah doesn't. Her racism is weighing her down. That night. Hannah is talking to Elina about how bad she was. Wait, they must have changed the order of when the racism talk took place. Nekeysha's eye shadow betrayed the editors!

Tyra Mail telling them to ready for judging is read. Sheena says something stupid about how the girls should tidy up and start packing. Everyone looks at her like "uh, we watched you hold onto a ladder with your vagine. Maybe YOU should be packing, ho." Isis' upper lip is soaked in something. Um?

Tyra is in some sort of bullshit photoshoot holding balloons. It's time for judging. Tyra is singing to herself. She's insane. Pink Wig is here, and Paulina has a Princess Leia thing going on with her sald.

Samantha looks heavy in her pic. Satiny fabric is not your friend, Tyra tells us. Nekeysha is told that she's too thin. Ms. Jay wants her to eat a watermelon. Nekeysha keeps her mouth shut. Lauren Brie gets HIGH marks. Like Dior marks. Tyra tells us her mind goes somewhere else when she poses. I'll bet. It's still there. Clark is told she went overboard with the tanner. "Something about your skin color..." Ms. Jay muses. I wait for Hannah to scream "it's too dark!"

Isis gets high marks from Tyra, and low from Paulina. Paulina is determined to take this show over, I swear. Marjorie is still so nervous. Oh girl, they feed on that. Just keep in mind that everyone is here is old and on their way out. Even Tyra.

Poor Sheena is again called a hoochie. Tyra tells her to cover her shit up. Paulina asks her if her boobies are fake. That's kinda rude. But, well are they? Sheena replies in the negative but they do look kinda...stuck...in her photo. Hmm. Sheena then decides, after Joslyn's judging, that she has something to say. Oh oh. And it's that her breasts aren't real. Tyra applauds her honesty. Paulina kinda shrugs like "she's still cheap."

Tyra has been smoking the doobies because she says that it's time to find out which "girl is going up, up, up, and away!" Oh no. Nigel feels that Nekeysha is so thin because she runs her mouth so much. Pink Wig tells the judges about how Sheena shoved her precious handbag in her crotch. Paulina mocks her lie-telling.

Tyra feels Isis is falling apart. She loves how Joslyn is doing flamenco and tango "on a rope-rope." Lauren Brie is basically told that her photo can cure the sick. Tyra tells Sheena to cut some of the facepaint. It's down to Isis and Nekeysha. I liked Isis' shorts so I don't know where people are coming from.

Nekeysha starts interrupting Tyra! HAH! She can't shut up. She loses AND KEEPS TALKING! She mentions her future career as an anesthesiologist. Tyra doesn't like that. She makes her shut up so she can berate Isis. She insists on showing Ms. Jay her walk. Everyone's like, this bitch is crazy. Tyra's wondering if she can get security in here in time.

Even the editors cut her off while she's still talking. That's funny.

Next - Makeovers! And they might be transplanting a new scalp onto Elina. It's a Top Model first.