Good afternoon and good evening, advice groupies! J. Harvey here again. Have I ever stated what an honor it is to answer queries for advice from you wonderful readers? I would give each and every one of you a fulfilling and STD-free orgasm if I could! And if you're not into a slightly chunky, large-headed, very pale, bitchy Irish malcontent with a drinking problem stimulating your erogenous zones, than I would love to buy you all the beer or non-alcoholic drink of your choice sometime! Sometime being much later when whatever this is I'm doing finally start to pay off. Good christ, it could aeons. Anyway, this week, a lovely lady would like to know how to approach a friend who she's begun to see in a new light. The light of I-wanna-tap-that-ass! Hey J.!
There's this boy. He's about two years younger than me; we
are friends from college, where he was one of my "adopted freshmen."
We share a lot of the same character traits (lazy, a little messy,
laid back, kind, most comfortable in pajama pants). I've always
thought he was hilarious, but was not interested in him... in fact,
I've had a long-running fling with one of our mutual friends (I just
recently put an official halt on the "fling" part of that friendship).
One day, while hanging out at a friend's house, with "the boy," I
realized... hey. I like him. A lot. He's really matured rather well
over the years, and though he's not perfect (who is?), I can see us
getting along well together. Like, together together. The only problem
is, I have rather bad luck in the minefield of dating. To be honest
with you, I'm 25 and have never actually had a functional
relationship. And I've gon through a rather protracted phase of wanton
sluttery, which I don't particularly regret, but feel like I've
outgrown. So I'm understandably nervous and not sure how to approach
this situation, not only dating, but dating someone I am already
friends with. I've asked him to do stuff, like camping with me and my
crew this weekend (he declined because he has friends from out of town
visiting), but I don't want to travel down a one way street in which
I'm always the one initiating hanging out. I'm keeping a limit on how
often I initiate contact with him, I realize that sounds a little odd,
but I'm just scared of putting myself out there and realizing that
hey, I'm the only one out there... What I could use your sage advice
on is this: How do I find out if there is a possibility of something
more than friendship without getting in over my head? If it is indeed
possible for someone like me to have a stable, supportive
relationship, how do I go about expressing that without scaring him
away, and without sabotaging the friendship? Ideally, I'd just be
upfront and tell him that I'm interested in him, see how he reacts,
but since I'm sooo bad at this, I figured I'd ask you for advice
first, since you seem to have pertinent things to say to those other
lost souls that ask you for guidance :) So... advice?
Thank you!,
Confoozled
Dear Confoozled,
Girl, you're a seedy RA trying to get inside a freshman's pants! Kidding. I salute you. You seem really cautious about this because you don't want to disturb what you see as the delicate balance of your friendship with this cat. Ok, let's go from there.
First off, I would make sure you are definitely done letting your "fling" snort up on your womanflower. Because your love interest might be like "well, are you still with X?" And that's not gonna draw a guy in. Oh, what am I saying - it would probably get him harder. Men are scum! I sound like Valerie Solanis.
Basically, make sure things are as simple as possible before you make your approach. Shake out the Etch--A-Sketch, if you will, so all systems are go and your slate is clean and free of other dude's penises.
Then, keep asking him to do stuff. Is he intuitive? Do you think he'll get the hint? If so, keep asking him places and do the flirting thing. Bat your eyes, make fun of him, or pay him a compliment. Unless he's all kinds of dumb.
In that case, be kinda forward about it. The thing is, if you really want to pursue this? You're going to have open up eventually and make sure his ass is clued in. This stuff is never easy. Especially if you're not sure if he feels the same way, Lust can be a risk. And love always is.
He might even think you've experienced some kind of head trauma which makes you like him, because it sounds like you might have had to let him down easy in the past. Keep in mind, you're gonna have to address that.
And listen - if he's NOT into you, it sounds like you know plenty of gentlemen. To get over it, go out and get one to rail you like your vagina is the last one on the planet . And start all over again. You're young and you have plenty of time to find that one dude.
Please keep sending me tales of lust and love to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!
Please note that J. Harvey is not a childcare specialist, priest, therapist, counselor, or even a good listener. In other words, don't sue.
green cardigan says:
Play this one carefully. Protect yourself and him. The friends to fornicators is a tricky one. Suss out the situation first before you make a move. This could take a little time. Like JH said, clear the decks of any stray men that are hanging around and let the friend know you are Born Again (ok maybe there is no need to dress like Laura Ingles Wilder, but you get the idea). Then when the opportunity presents itself do a little flirting and see how he reacts. If his reaction is blind terror and confusion at first, it's not necessarily a bad thing. He may just have never thought of you in that light before. But if it continues to be blind terror and confusion, drop it. If he likes you, he'll (hopefully) react and you can take things from there.
If he's a good friend there is a lot to loose if it doesn't work out but more to gain if it does. It's worth a try. Or else you'll always wonder.
T-Bone says:
Live your life. Be the best person you can be and don't focus on him. Just be the friend you've always been and if you find yourselves drawing closer to one another, naturally (meaning without manipulation or pushing), let it happen. The key word here is "yourselves", meaning both of you. If you find yourself doing all the flirting, all the calling, all the writing, all the waiting and you're not getting much back -- pull back. He's probably not feeling the same.
OC Trophy says:
J - I'll take that orgasm.
Confoozled - Sounds like this is the first time you are seeing potential in any guy as long term. That’s fantastic.
Has he dated anyone while you’ve known him? If he dates and is social and flirty, but hasn’t shown interest in you, move on.
But if he’s shy and quiet you will have to be proactive. Definitely try to hang with him more. Throw a couple of signs his way. A wink, a lingering touch on the hand, a hug that lasts a few second too long. See if there’s a possibility.
It’s scary to put yourself out there. But the potential for a loving and fun relationship can be worth it.
Bleecker says:
Awww, I sense a love connection between J. and OC Trophy Wife and I like it. Together, you could be an advice-giving juggernaught. I wish I could summon you like Obi Wan Kenobi whenever I find myself in a jam.
I have no words of wisdom for Confoozled. None. I know no better than she does how to bridge the friend-to-f*ck gap. In fact, just bridged it myself two weekends ago and now the friend is trying to attach himself to me. For my part, I blame tequila. I don't know what his problem is.
Dandy's girl says:
Your story was mine five years ago! It almost creeped me out to read it it was so familiar! My advice is focus and be clear on what you want in general and with him. The relationship will be ruined for sure if you change your mind halfway through. If the friend is long term serious boyfriend material (as mine was) it isn't fair to screw the friendship and him if you are still sowing some wild oats. Most people can't go from friends to more then back to comfortable friends. If there are no sparks on one side, it will probably be over. If you both agree there are no sparks, maybe you can laugh at "that was awkward!" and go back eventually to things being as they were or better since there is no sexual tension.
The fact that you're older and more experienced may be making him cautious, I couldn't understand why mine never made a move when I put the flirt on him but he was afraid of misreading, making a move and ruining the friendship and being considered an immature horn-ball. We didn't speak for a few years and that was the best thing for us, he grew up, I got my single needs met and when we finally had that first kiss three years after we met, it was amazing. I knew at that first kiss this was the guy I wanted to marry: we were great friends and have become amazing lovers. We had/have that same comfort and compatibility you have with yours and that transferred really well to a boyfriend, we have a healthy relationship because we learned all about each other without trying to impress each other, both of us knew what we were getting into with the other.
It sounds like you are curious and that's okay, but acting on that and having different goals about what happens the next day or if you two are f***buddies with no strings attached, is going to ruin the friendship. I think, if possible, you should talk honestly with him about what he'd and you'd like. This might happen before or after you act in a more than friendly manner; it seems to show respect to the friendship more than the hormones or alcoholic impulse. I think you need to figure out what "over your head" actually means to you, a potential relationship? feeling foolish if he doesn't like you that way? a serious relationship? The end of slutty-you? Don't figure that out as you go and drag him along.
In my experience, straight guys don't hang out repeatedly with women one on one if they couldn't on some level be interested in something more should the opportunity arise. But of course I don't know if he wants to "see what it might be like to kiss+" or might be looking for something serious with you if that might work but there is no way to know unless you guys figure it out physically or through talking. Good luck, I'm grateful every single day that I did!
Bleecker says:
Harvey! I love your advice column! What happened this week? Where is it?