Project Runway: Michael Kors And His Plain White Tees

Previously - No one was sent home. Well, they all were but it wasn't because any of them lost. The four remaining designers will create collections, bring them back and then ONE of them will be axed. Yes, this happened last season as well. Look, Bravo's losing the damn show. They don't care. At this point, Wendy Pepper could be crowned the winner. There's no originality left!  Oh, and Kenley wasn't going for elegant, Heidi!

Here we are again. Heidi comes out to pimp models. The designers have 8K to put their lines together, and when they get back - one of you will be AUT! The designers have been asked to design a wedding dress for the "one of you bitches came back for nothing" challenge.

Tim and Heidi tell the designers to amaze them, and then go behind the scrim to make out. Ugh. I'll never know the pleasure of an erection again. Amaze you? These bitches couldn't amaze Cro-Magnon man with fire! Everyone's so....lifeless.

Designers pack their shit and Kenley says that she was sabotaged by the other designers last time. Well, if you act like sour milk, people aren't going to want to drink you! She exits the lobby right past everyone saying their goodbyes. That's one cab fare I wouldn't want to pick up.

Korto says she's "rude as hell" and she's glad the judges noted her "stanky attitude." Was it also a "janky attitude?" I love that one. Jerell tells Korto and Leeanimal to bring the fire when they come back. He also says he's taking his eight grand home to construct "pure magic." Two grand on designs and six grand on new silken loungewear for his flaming ass.

I could watch Korto hail a cab ALL DAY. She sticks a proud and thick leg out and points her finger in the air and you'd best pick up Her Greatness. Tim Gunn flies his ass to Little Rock, where Korto is designing her collection in Cameron Frye's house. When Cameron was in Egypt's land...let my..Cameron...gooooooooo. Cameron answers the door in a do-rag. She was busy making a phony phone call to Edward Rooney and didn't have time to come out her 'fro.

Cameron got away from her family to design, because they don't understand the pressure. Korto used some beautiful colors and combined beadwork with some ethnic tastes. She also made a vaginal sex dress. Did Tim just say "snatch shot?" Does Bravo know? Korto made a dress out of snake skin. Does that bode well for a marriage? I guess if you're marrying someone who works for the cable company or the head of Lehman Brothers.

Korto takes Tim home to meet her multi-culti friends and family. She lives in a Jonathan Demme movie and we all need to embrace that. Her husband is cute in a clueless young guy way. I think we know who wears the do-rag up in here.

Tim loves Korto's daughter Elise Nambia's skirt. Korto says she acts like a princess. Korto has a friend named Star. Korto takes her shoes off, hikes up her dress and winds her legs around a drum and starts playing. Cool! Top that, Kenley!

We hear about Korto's family in Liberia. They were basically exiled and came to the US poor. Elise Nambia is already a runway walker. I'd say work it girl, but she's like five. Though she does know how to swing it around and pull it back. Tim goes to see Leeanimal in Portland.

Portland is the boyfriend's favorite city so he has a special kind of warmth seeing Tim Gunn in Portland. Leeanimal's boyfriend is a gay. It's ok. Most fashion ladies end up with gays. It just makes things so much easier. They have sperm to offer and love shopping. Leeanimal's collection is all wavy and constructed and it's actually very impressive. Dude, she has a chance to sweep this whole thing

Leeanimal takes Tim on a tandem bike road. I was on one of those once. I jumped off after the head guy thought it would be funny to go down a hill. Enjoy driving that down a hill alone, asshole! We see some kiddie pictures of Leeanimal. Tim and Leeanimal sit in the forest on a blanket and stare at trees. Leeanimal's life story is kind of boring, but trees are pleasant.

Tim goes to LA to visit Jerell. Jerell's collection is....elaborate. Like your momma's costume jewelry box. He has jeweled nets. Jeweled bras. Jeweled thongs. It's obvious that Jerell isn't cutting it but HSN would lloovvee this shit. Tim says he still wants to meet his family though, because he's never seen a whole family in flame retardant clothing at once. Jerell has a boyfriend, whom he refers to as his "love interest." That's interesting.

Jerell sobs because his dad drove a truck while he was a kid to support them. And he's not here, either! Jerell's mom is very, very proud of his ass though she's very quiet. Jerell dances Tim out of there. He's not making it to Bryant in any real way.

Tim goes to see Kenley in Brooklyn. Kenley has a cute apartment. We find out that Kenley was close with her fashiony grandma and that's her cross to bear. Kenley painted all of her fabrics. Wow. We find out Kenley is into ropes. Oh, enough with the Bettie Page. I will say her wedding dress is hotsy and bird-like. Wait til' it turns out that she stole it. Right. She's crying AGAIN. Can Tim pass her a Seconal?

Everyone returns to NYC. Korto wheels her big bottom into the apartment, and she's not rooming with Kenley. Leeanimal is rooming with Korto because, well, you know. So Jerell got the short end of the stick. The girls break it to him. Here's Kenley. She gets a chilly reception. People just stare at her ass and sip their wine. As she lugs her gear around, she sorta apologizes for her behavior which kinda defuses the personality bomb ready to go off.

Tim sends them champagne. He's a gentleman. I would get so hamboned drunk that night. Just to get it out of the way. It's so tense! The designers report to the Bluefly.com studio the next day to unpack their creations - snake vaginas, bejeweled pasties, and auto-erotic asphyxiation dresses.

Tim's here with ANOTHER CHALLENGE. Everyone's pissed. They have to create a bridesmaid dress to go with the wedding dress! At this point, I'd be like "I'm eloping!" The designers head of to Mood and they are sullen and overworked. And they only have until midnight on those BROTHER SEWING MACHINES! Go buy a Brother sewing machine now! Korto and Kenley relive their battle. Kenley mentions that Korto snapped on her because of her personalty. That's not exactly an Unsolved Mystery, Ken.

Korto notes that Kenley is behaving herself, but the "old Kenley" is still under there. She's right. Everyone needs to be on the watchtower and look out for incoming stank. Jerell thinks that bridesmaid dresses are ugly. Korto isn't feeling that and says that hers were cute. To be honest, I've never been to a wedding in which the bridesmaids looked like refried beans. Only a real douche of a bride would make her bridesmaids look like trolls.

Jerell's bridesmaid dress has flowers growing out of it and it's puckered up. Kind of like Suede's butthole was whenever Hedda Lettuce would pass by. Jerell is told by Tim not to fight nature. "Or Nina Garcia," Jerell quips. You need to channel that wit into your clothes, Edith Head.

Leeanimal's wedding dress has been revised, and it's now "making music" according to Tim. Sing it loud and proud, Leeanimal. Tim feels that Korto's bridesmaid dress is competing with her wedding dress in a mud wrestling match. Tim starts crying and tells them how much he cares about them. Oh, Tim. I still find it terribly sad that Tim got dumped once and never found love again. He's a damn catch.

This season seriously ran on tears. Jerell wakes up. I expect to see Wesley ironing topless. He ironed more than he actually made clothes. Back to Bluefly to shore up their dresses. Korto shortens her bridesmaid dress. Models show up. Kenley notes that Korto and Leeanimal have shortened theirs, too. And guess what? She's pissed! Kenley pissing and moaning? Is she ok? She must be having a bad day. She's usually so congenial.

Jerell is seriously sticking flowers out of his model's hair. Like not IN the hair, sticking OUT of her hair and bouncing. It looks like a cartoon from the 1930s, like Olive Oyl's best friend or something. Korto is crying, and she's wishing that no one has to go home. Not even Kenley. Really? She called you boring and said that you sucked. Hold on to that and reconsider.

Jerell's model looks so retarded. Kors is grinning at the flowers. Nina doesn't even bother to mark her card she's so disgusted. Kenley's dress looks Swanee River and she plans to wear it at her wedding. Korto's wedding dress makes her white girl model look like she's got four asses.

Leeanimal has this one wrapped up, despite the pockets in her wedding dress. What the hell does a bride have to carry? Her car keys? Both of her dresses look flawless. The judges think so, too. Kors notes the jeweled titties on Jerell's, and references "the flowerpot on her head." Nina thinks that Jerell's wedding dress looks dirty. Dirty tulle. Charwoman wedding!  

It turns out that Kenley ripped off Alexander McQueen. Both Kors and Nina agree. But instead of disqualifying her, they tell her they love it. Heidi even calls her dresses "crazy good." Kenley says "oh my gosh, Heidi. I love you!" When will she learn to shut her freckled maw and just remain still?!?!?

Korto gets some bad grades. Korto asks Nina Garcia "Honestly?" when she questions the connection between her dresses. Nina knows better to give her shit, because Korto will not be "dogged out." Judges confer. Korto and Jerell are in some trouble. My boyfriend thinks that ProjRun has thing against black designers. He's not black, but he is a conspiracy theorist. I would point out that Michael Knight's "Urban Safari" was TERRIBLE and it wasn't just because he was a brotha.

Leeanimal and Kenley are in. No winner? And Jerell, the flaming waterfall, is out. He's visibly annoyed. No tears, but ready to file a lawsuit. He's way bitter. Jerell says that if you want a plain white T, and not "adorned, opulent" garments like his, you can get it from Michael Kors. Zing, kitty!

Next - Bryant Park. Kenley has a problem with a model. Kenley has a problem with Tim. Kenley can't find her models. Kenley blames a model for her crappy zipper. You know Bravo's going to piss me off and let her win.