America's Next Top Model: East Vs. West

Previously - Tyra signed her "signature" on the girls' bodies. Somehow, Lauren Brie Cheese got tossed off despite her kickass photos. This is probably so Tyra can exploit Majorie's awkward Gallicness some more.

LA Women! Sheena talks about her bottom twoness. Marjorie is now parlaying the discovery of her loser French attitude (hey, Paulina said it, I didn't) into some sort of counseling gig as she tries to comfort Elina's tears not being enough for the judges last panel It was kind of a kick in the animal activist when Elina broke through her steely Ukranian bisexual front to emit a single tear and she was told that her breakthrough was for naught. It's even worse when you look so pathetic that even Marjorie is pitying you.

Elina is now on the European's are negative and stoic bandwagon with Marjorie! What the hell is going on in Europe? The war ended a long time ago - did they not get a Summer of Love or something? Joslyn is listening to these two immigrants bitch and rolling her Country Time Lemonade eyes at all of it. Samantha feels the same, and in her typical I'm a bitchy tomboy way, asks them why they haven't adjusted to their new homeland, yet. Sam doesn't get the concept of being imprinted on by your surroundings or your upbringing or your past or whatever, though she thought Speed Racer was really f*ckin' rad and she might kiss Christina Ricci if her boyfriend wasn't looking.

So Elina lashes out at Samantha for her rude and "hurtful" questioning and seems intent on making sure we know she can cry. Sheena gets in on the act and asks Elina and Marjorie (who at this point should be like in shawls or something and smoking pipes and acting exactly like the immigrant Jewish women who bore the homeland on their back that Tony Kushner old rabbi envisioned in his lovely opening monologue in Angels in America Vol. 1) if they hate it here in the freely emotional states.

Sheena tells them that they're only immigrants in their minds and then goes back to wondering why her triflin' ass boyfriend is using up all her minutes by blowing up her Razr every three seconds. Damn him. The models in the house divide themselves up into pro and anti-blame your problems on your European-ness. Samantha is even practicing some sort of xenophobe karate or something.

Joslyn explains she doesn't have time to worry about "immigration" and people crying because her pictures are sucking. Like a Dyson. Tyra's lesbian mailwoman photo looks like she's questioning why the f*ck they're still carrying on with this same photoshoot.

THE ASWIRL TWINS!!!!! THE ASWIRL TWINS!!!!!!!! THE ASWIRL TWINS!!!!! Oh, sweet jesus, the Aswirl twins!  Sorry, they have my heart and know all of my secrets.

But the Aswirl Twins are not here to teach the girls how to "SWORL", they are here to teach the girls how to wear "GAHMANTS" and sell them for the "DEE-SAHNER." Could someone fetch me a glass of sweet tea and a fan. They're wearing what looks like Asian-inspired crushed velvet jammies. Where do I purchase such finery? An aside, McKey would be STELLAR as a new female Terminator on that Sarah Connor show. Bitch looks like one.

I have to be honest. Watching the Aswirl Twins show the girls how to model accessories is in no way comparable to when they taught the Jade-era chicks how to "SWORL." That changed my life. The Aswirl Twins kinda fumble here, but they fumble fabulously. Because every model should try to sell a scarf by tying it around her waist like an Arabian swordsman's sash.

Sheena works a scarf like a true....scarf worker. Sorry. The Aswirl Twins clap emphatically when they like something. Joslyn shows versatility when she takes a bag from day to night. Marjorie is unable to work an apron. Because she's European. We're taught to fear aprons in Europe. Why do I feel like Hannah's small town in Canada bullshit has been transported to Elina and Marjorie's angsty European homeland?

It's like a stop-my-heart-gay-twofer day. James St. James shows up in a zentai suit and he's doing a greenscreen approach to modeling accessories so only the items show up on the TV screen. I hope he spends some time talking about murders and Club Kids, too, because that shit's fascinating to me. Diana Scarwid's performance as Michael Alig's mother in Party Monster deserved a golden trophy. And I don't mean a six-piece Chicken McNuggets from McDonald's.

I do have a question - why's Jim sound like Carol Channing on testosterone. He's got that "chah" sound with everything he says. The girls are going to be "invisible models." I like this already. Jim St. James introduces some crazy-ass bitch with pink hair who would like her pieces shown in a certain way. Her name is Nony or something and this means no putting purses in your cooch, Sheena.

Anyway, all the models are going green screen and invisible. Which on one hand is an interesting challenge and on the other means we won't be able to see the tears right away when they fail. Girls don bodysuits and it's a spandex fetishists wet dream. Marjorie is fitted for a sexy dress which she feels doesn't help her because she isn't sexy. This subplot is getting to me. Just TRY, ok? Jesus!

St. James shows up in a white suit with some Koopa Koopa looking foam spikes coming out from it, and a strand of oversized pearls. Keep in mind, this chick did A LOT of drugs back in the day. Here's the Seventeen editor chick. The winner is getting a spread. Ooh, showtime. The Aswirl Twins stuck around for the show!  Elina can't breathe in her gimp suit so she has some sort of panic attack. And...commerical! Tyra, you're a master of suspense!

Meanwhile back to Elina's death throes. That bitch from Seventeen is talking to one of the Aswirls! He better her "SWORL" her off his ass, she's a leech. Elina feels better because James St. James danced with her. Remember that for your next panic attack. Just have a queer ex-junkie in a ridiculous suit come over to bob his head to some techno and you'll be as right as rain. Don't forget the pearls.

Girls start effing up their posing and Pink Hair Nony (sounds like a booze drink) is shaking her head in dismay. Marjorie's dress falls OFF her boobs and she doesn't notice. The ladies should be happy they have masks. James St. James is having so much fun backstage (you know this is going to be a column for his ass) that he's literally dancing into blinded by spandex girls. Heh. He's fun.

Annaleigh uses her pearl necklace to her advantage. It's an actual pearl necklace you pervs. Samantha gets in a fight with her jacket. My favorite part of this whole mess is that Pink Hair Nony (sounds like your grandmother on Halloween) is giving this look of disgust through the entire thing. Probably because your clothes look REALLY bad on people in green bodysuits with no faces.

Joslyn's called a stripper, so Sheena must be relieved. Though Sheena gets nailed for too much "SWORL." There can NEVER be enough "SWORL." Tell her, Aswirls!  Elina won the challenge so almost dying then being revived by dance can really help. Elina will be in a holiday layout for Seventeen. Samantha's pissed because Elina's an atheist and Samantha loves Christmas. That's why you should have won? I love Halloween but no one asked my ass to star in It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! on Broadway!

The girls all seem to take much better pics when they're not being yelled at by Mr. Jay. Marjorie and Annaleigh assist Elina. Joslyn feels drained. Samantha does some sort of accent because she's a ten-year-old boy and Annaleigh calls her on it and then Marjorie starts smirking. Here we go. Sheena decides to "keep it real" as they say on the reality shows and tells Elina and Marjorie to put on the ugly lights at the pity party and send everyone home.

Elina isn't feeling this. Sheena also feels that Elina shouldn't have won the Christmas spread because she's a sexy although frosty and repressed version of Madeline Murray O'Hair. Marjorie seems to have come out of her shell, and we see that she's sowing her oats as a shit-stirrer when she informs Elina that Sheena is calling her a "hypocrite."

Big Whitney is posing with dogs and hats. Still not sure if she has a job or not. Honestly, she shouldn't have won. She's a crap model. Things are weird with Elina and Sheena. Elina is spitting in the sink. Ugh. Sheena feels that it's good vs. evil in the house. Joslyn is sick which means she's totally going home this evening.

The girls go to a house in Bel-Air.  And meet with Mr. Jay. Who's dressed like a gay gangster in 42nd St. He's not getting on the boat to Heaven. Big Whitney is here. Her hair looks good? That's all I can say. Whitney goes on some Cover Girl riff. Shut up. Eye shadow is grand. Shut up, Whitney. This is probably her first job since winning. Mr. Jay's hat looks like candy. Candy that you want to knock off his damn head.

The girls will be filming a commercial. The director is an aging bear. Did Big Whitney lose some weight? She's doing this fake-ass thing where she walks around and meets the girls. She was such a DOUCHE last season that I can't buy any of this.

Samantha can't pronounce the "t" in any of her words. Joslyn is dying in a director's chair. She's crazy nauseous. Mr. Jay is doing his "what the eff" eyes to Elina and tells her she's so controlled. Elina is over that, and he tells her that he is too.

McKey should win now, she's no actress, though. She can't read lines, and she's all over the place. We find out that a Cover Girl can't be clueless, according to Mr. Jay. Apparently Cover Girl doesn't watch this show, then. Damn. Joslyn starts yakking up in a trash barrel. And we get to watch it, over and over again. Thanks, Tyra. You too, CW. Despite me wanting to kill his hat, I am sort of falling in love with Mr. Jay's eyes whenever one of the girls acts the fool.

Marjorie starts crying and Mr. Jay alleviates her worries by telling her that the contest is going to get harder and harder from here on in. Thanks, Jay. That really calmed me down. Sheena nails it. Joslyn tries it and it's like Lauren Brie has come back in name only.  

Sheena wants Marjorie or Elina to go home. Sheena's hair is JACKED UP during her confessional. You would swear she was attacked by ravens before she made it into the house. Over to panel. Why isn't James St. James here? Ms. Jay's antics are enough. But first! The girls have to walk in wooden shoes. Like from Holland. Samantha can't.  Oh and why the wooden clogs? They're going to Amsterdam, where Tyra and Ms. Jay can get the best prices on weed.

The ASWIRLS ARE HERE WITH WINDMILLS! Oh, and it's everything Holland. Paulina and Ms. Jay don wigs! Except weed. Where's the weed? Light up your bat, Tyra! The judges openly ridicule Samantha's speech impediment. Mr. Jay compares Marjorie to a chicken, and she just nods because she's French or whatever her weird reasoning is.

Annaleigh's going to the weed bar because Tyra tells her she did the best Cover Girl commercial she's seen in the history of ANTM. Keep Lauren Brie in mind, Annaleigh. Joslyn is told to keep her arms by her sides. Sheena gives Elina's commercial the side-eye. Elina is told by silver bear that she's a "closed fist." No she's not, she's EUROPEAN!

Why is McKey's ear so red in her commercial? Did Mr. Jay box her ear? The judges get salty. Tyra rubs up on NIgel. The judges are torn between their commercial girls and their model model girls. It's down to Elina and Joslyn. Now is when Joslyn should vomit again. On Tyra. Tyra does something shitty and makes it look like Joslyn is staying....but no Elina is! Tyra is a cagey egomaniac who will tear your soul asunder. And don't you forget it. Vomit, Joslyn, vomit! Now is the time!

Next - Amsterdam. Models act like hookers. What a stretch.