Unqualified with J. Harvey: West Hollywood Halloween Dilemma

Hello, witches, black cats and bitches - it's J. Harvey here with you on Halloween! Welcome to the new day and time for Unqualified and thanks for joining! Spooky!

I'm dressed as Nina Garcia from Project Runway and I'm ready to tell that the outfit you designed doesn't hang together well, and it's VERY shoddy tailoring. First off, I wish you all a Happy Halloween (it's pretty much gay Christmas) and hope that you all get your candy bags filled to the brim....with candy. Pervs. Halloween is the night for whorishness, drunken behavior, and waking up next to the guy who you thought looked completely taggable in the Three Musketeers gear but then you realized you had been wearing pumpkin ale goggles. ACK! (That's a semi-true story by the way. I'll leave it at that.)

I am ALSO proud to announce that star commentator and someone who should probably have HER OWN advice column - OC Trophy Wife - has written in and asked advice of me! I'm flabbergasted and humbled! And I shall do my best!

Hello J.!

Long time admirer OC Trophy Wife here.  I need some advice and I need it soon.  Halloween is Friday!  I am too close to the situation to objectively advise myself and I would love your input.

I am a lifelong, platinum status hag.  Love, love, love my gay friends.  Surprisingly though my best friend, Adam, is a straight guy.  All my friends and I get together for parties, concerts and dinners.  And everyone gets along great.

 For Halloween, I am planning a fabulous night out in West Hollywood for the Costume Carnaval.  I put a lot of planning and effort into our adventure up there.  Cocktails, hotel suite, cocktails, dinner, cocktails, dancing, outrageous costumes and cocktails.

 My friends Doug and Leo (gay couple) just told me that they are not going to go if Adam goes.  Turns out that they think Adam is homophobic and they don't want to spend an evening with him in Boytown.  That was news to me.  I've never heard Adam say or do anything homophobic.  He really likes Doug and Leo.  He has gay friends, co-workers and relatives and has solid relationships with all of them.  Plus he's totally looking forward to the Carnaval.  Doug and Leo think Adam is a nice guy but they can't pinpoint why they feel this way about him.

Do I cut Adam out of the fun?  Even though I don't think he did anything wrong.  Or do I cut Doug and Leo out?  Though I can't imagine going up to WeHo without my best gays.  Or do I cancel this event because cutting anyone out is going to suck all the fun out of the evening?

 OC Trophy Wife

P.S. I should also say that Doug and Leo are warm, smart, serious people.  They don't say or do things lightly.

Dear OC Trophy Wife,

First off, I am ecstatic to get a chance to try and aid YOU since you have often given better advice than I to some of our readers. I'm keeping my job though, heifer! KIDDING. And this Carnavale thing sounds dope! I might have to get out to the head office in LA sometime to check it out!

Ok, the whole "they can't pinpoint it" thing is bullshit. If they are as serious and smart as you say they are - then they don't sound the types to suddenly wax Cinderella stepsister and get all hainty on you about your friend for no discernible reason.

I think something might have happened.

Are you and Adam a completely platonic couple? I know your logon is "Trophy Wife" but you never know what's goin' down. Do you think they're mad at him because they think he's maybe doing something to hurt you behind your back? I mean, why wouldn't they just tell you what it was instead of "a feeling."

Are we sure Adam is straight? Did he hit on one of them or one of your gay friends and they found it to be a betrayal of you somehow? I know I totally think in soap operas but this is a need to know right now!

Is Adam a closet case and they have an issue with it?

As for the event, HELL NO should you cancel it. You put a lot of work into it! Your friends shouldn't have put you in this sort of position. Tell these two they need a reason before you offload your best friend. Tell them that I'm sorry you feel that way but you can't screw your pal without some concrete reasoning. Have them contact the dead or some shit and find out why they feel that way. Stress that you're still their friend if you need to. They sound like they might be a little sensitivio, if you know what I'm saying.

Take Adam and your other pals and have fun! Have plenty of drinks, they will make you feel better about Doug and Leo acting stank and just roll with it. When they come around to telling you the real reason they feel that way, go on from there. And have fun and thanks for your constant readership, Hag Supreme!

Please keep sending me tales of friends' vague feelings of Halloween homophobia to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!

Please note that J. Harvey is not a childcare specialist, priest, therapist, counselor, or even a good listener. In other words, don't sue.