Unqualified with J. Harvey: Straight Geisha?

Hiya guys! Welcome to hopefully a whole new era in American politics! Hopefully, everyone got out and voted (for whomever, who am I to judge...ok, I always judge...) and had a righteous Election Night. Now let's try and take care of that pesky Prop. 8 thing for my gays in Cali (and hell - the gays in Arizona and Florida who got bitchslapped in the face when even they dared to request their civil rights) and all will be well with the world. The sanctity of my patience is being tested with all this bigotry.

Speaking of gays, this chick might be sleeping with one. What do you think?

Hey J. Harv!

I've been dating this guy for over a year now. We have an amazing time together, and I love him deeply. We started out as roommates in college, and then it grew into something more. We've been friends for about six years - we've been practically inseparable since we were seventeen. But lately, something about him has bothering me. See, I think he might be sort of...gay.

Now, I know you're probably thinking "how can you have known him for six years and just be thinking this now? bitch, you dumb." But actually, when we first met, I was convinced he was gay, but then I changed my mind when I saw the steady parade of girls he hooked up with every night in college. I mean, he really doesn't seem into guys at all. But recently we were watching "Funny Face" together and he was rhapsodizing about Audrey Hepburn, and it just hit me: he does not behave like any straight man on the face of this earth. Seriously, check it: he loves old movie stars. He watches shows like Gossip Girl and Ugly Betty and Sex and the City, entirely of his own volition. His favorite song is "I Kissed A Girl". His Facebook status at the moment is: (redacted because this is the Internet) is singing/weeping along to "The Way We Were." His favorite singers are Katy Perry, Madonna and Kylie Minogue. His Halloween costume is a geisha.

Okay, when you put it all like that, he seems gay as a fruit basket. But despite possessing all the gay mannerisms and stereotypes EVER, is he really gay? (I repeat, he does not seem into guys AT ALL) But if he is gay, what do I do ? I love him and would never want to hurt him. Should I just outright ask him?

Please J. Harvey, help me in your infinite wisdom.

Love,
I Might Be Dating A Gay Guy...And I Don't Like It

P.S. Just in case you're wondering, our sex life is fantastic.

Dear I Might Be Dating A Gay Guy...And I Don't Like It,

Bitch you dumb! You had me at "dressed as a geisha!" GAY!

Kidding. Reading your letter, yeah, you would think the dude's into the D in a big way. But the sex life is great, and he doesn't appear to be checking out the lower halves of the menfolk around you? What gives?

Two things. One, he is SO deeply in the closet that he's locked away any chance that he will let himself near a penis in a non-hernia exam way. But it's coming out in other ways like...The Way We f*cking Were?!?!? Life's a bowl of butter? Your girl is lovely, Hubble? Yeah, I saw it - but I'm a homeboy! It's kind of like he's put the lid on his Starbucks coffee of gayness but there's so much in there that it's shooting out as  every other gay trait available except for kissing boys. When you say "mannerisms," do you mean like limp wristed mincing? Or just his pop culture leanings?

Secondly, he could be what I like to call a sexual anomaly. He's a gay man who likes sex with ladies. I have this friend who shall remain nameless. He's probably one of the straightest dudes around. He's a coach, a referee, like football, beer and dirty jokes. Completely into women. But he also has New Kids on the Block, and Mariah Carey on repeat on his iTunes, owns Joey Lawrence's cd (for real) and lives for American Idol and Project Runway. As we've all remarked before, the sexual spectrum is VAST. Maybe you're with a gay heterosexual? Stranger things have happened. We have pregnant men and women stuck to toilets nowdays.

Oh, and I wouldn't ask him. He might find that threatening. Drop some hints that you're cool with gays and let him come to you. If the sex is great, is there really any problem. Well, I wouldn't marry him until we're sure. Let us know.

Please keep sending me stories about your gay-ass boyfriends to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!

Please note that J. Harvey is not a childcare specialist, priest, therapist, counselor, or even a good listener. In other words, don't sue.