All Americas Next Top Model Posts

Previously - Say bye-bye to Jerell and whatever fabric and costume jewels revolution he was trying to start with that wedding dress. Don't even start me on that flowers on the head situation. A women's going to win this one and we're all praying it ain't that rockabilly bitch ingrate Kenley.

It's 3 days until Bryant Park and couldn't you just pee your lady drawers in anticipation? No? Yeah, no kidding - this season was about as exciting as the time Clay Aiken came out. We knew that Ronald McDonald's playground voyeur brother was a big queen, we know Leeanimal is going to win and there's just no magic left. And it's like Lifetime is going to lift this show back up to its rightful place in the reality tv show firmanent. They have Rumer f*cking Willis guest-starring on Army Wives. This is not a network you can run to for bold ideas and strength.

More of the ProjRun finale, so click on the link!

Previously - Marjorie is awkward and has low self-esteem because that's what French people do. Clark's bigot ass got sent home.

Pancakes! Samantha! Salad! Samantha is holding forth on her views about parenting. I think she's more suited to give us her views on Fall Out Boy and iCarly. Elina lets us know that she came here when she was eight and her mom's kind of strict. I love when Elina's Tribble is allowed to get all poofy and wavy and she looks like a religious fanatic when she interviews.

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Previously - My T-Girl Isis was sent home. Hannah was, too. But that was a good thing because she was a small town and they don't have people who aren't asses there. Samantha showed her "fanny" (that's British for vagina) at Jeremy Scott's show and he gave her the business over it with his Brooklyn bangs and terrible no-sleeve bandleader jacket.

Clark gets the digital props back the house from Tyra. Clark went "balls to the wall" and that's how she got #1 photo. Now she's rubbing it in. Samantha brings up how Tyra yelled at her ass for Jeremy Scott. She's trying to think positive. Girl, if Elina can feel positive with a Tribble sewn to her melon, you can stay positive.

More ANTM, after the jump!

Former America's Next Top Model evil badass Bianca Golden popped up on Tyra Banks' show to relate her side of the story concerning the July incident in which Golden's family squared off with Nikki "Hairspray" Blonsky's family in a Turks & Caicos airport lounge.

Golden tells Tyra in the Oct. 8 episode that Blonsky kicked her mom "in the vagina" after Blonsky's father Carl reportedly "knocked her out" by punching her after an argument.

Holy shite. First of all, what kinda crazy bitch kicks you in the box? Ouch. Does it compare to getting kicked in the nuts? The ladies might not get how that feels. It feels like the world's ending and you're about to explode into a pile of vomit. Seriously.

Anyway, Golden went on to claim that Nikki's family went to town on her Mom, and that's when Bianca and Nikki reportedly squared off. Nikki can dance and sing and all, but Golden strikes me as a boo who can brawl.

Mrs. Golden reportedly suffered "internal bleeding, a broken nose and a fractured skull." The Blonsky father and daughter demolition team were arrested along with Bianca on assault charges and the cases are pending. You know Tyra was like "well, when I invented brawling in airports, I NEVER thought to kick a bitch in the dugout...."

Click any image in the gallery for more photos of Nikki Blonsky and Bianca Golden.

 

Previously - Makeover! Sorry, I was on vacay and missed the usually best episode of a cycle. From what I can tell, they sewed a big red mop on Elina's head. That was the most standout disaste. Oh, and the Britanny who was allowed to stay Brittany got sent home. And they had some sort of bikini shoot and I think I saw one of Isis' testicles. Tally ho!

In these new opening credits, Tyra draws an air pyramid for a cameraman, and lets her boobies bounce. I like the NYC ones better.

Elina's hair is JACKED UP. I guess she won last go-round. Her wig is fluffed out and crazed and she looks like Joanna Cassidy. Analeigh was in the bottom two last week and she's distraught over it.  Hannah tells her that she's "wallowing" in it. Excuse me? This is one dumb bitch that I am refusing to stomach. First of all, she handled the racism question completely wrong and now she's telling us they have tough love in Alaska? No, thanks.

More ANTM, after the jump!

Previously - Clark sucks. Hannah sucks. There's nothing in Alaska. Sharaun sucked, collapsed, and left.

The new credits feature the models in headbands which is my new pet peeve. What is this stupid headband thing going on? If I see anyone twerkin' those in my immediate area, I'm going to whip out the scissors and start making them into shoelaces.

L.A. ladies! Marjorie is up on the wall back at the house, but this hasn't really helped her nerves or the fact that she looks like Michael Alig. Don't kill Angel, Michael, you'll end up in prison!  Nikeysha realizes she made an ass out of herself at the judging by cutting the judges off and making up excuses for why her photos sucked. She pledges to shut up next panel. Good luck.

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Ty Ty has summoned you back for the new cycle of America's Top Model. I could go into what the show is about, but I think you're already know. Well, if you're new around here - there's a crazy woman with a shiny forehead who gives conflicting advice to fame-starved "models." She's assisted by two homosexuals, and a variety of "artistic" people. It's one of the better comedies on TV. Just don't get Ty Ty mad. You will live to regret it.

Tyra just said the NEXT DECADE of America's Next Top Model? DECADE? She wants to go for 20? Jesus, I don't think I have it in me. They're back to LA this cycle which is dumb because New York is where the models are.

Here comes the 33 dumbass victims. Tyra is talking about looking forward to the future. Here's the bus. Hannah is from Alaska, and they don't have freeways or people. Is she one of those feral children. That would totally be a hot prob this cycle.

I know. You've already seen this masterpiece that is THE promo shot for Cycle 11 of America's Next Top Model. But, now we know who everyone is so you can start making your pre-show judgements!

And there is a fierce photo of Tyra where she has carousel horse hair ala Charlie from Shear Genius. Unfortunately the photos of the other contestants are kind of boring. Information about all of the Tyra's new ladies are after the jump.

Click on any image below to view all of the potential Top Models!

Previously - Everyone hates Dominique. Mormon Aimee went back to that big gold temple in Salt Lake City. Claire kind of showed herself to be kinda.....douchey. Let's hope she brings that side under control.

Evening! Fab Cab! Whitney thinks we're ready for a plus size model to win. Dominique feels that Whitney isn't a winner and notes that they do not get along. She thinks it's her "can do" attitude that bothers Whitney. You are a spunky old person, Dom. Now let's have some tea and play Kismet.

Aimee left them a sweet note. Claire talks about how nerve-wracking being in the bottom two was last go-round. She did this annoying thing where she yelled "YES!" when Ty Ty revealed her photo. She might as well have kicked Mormon Aimee in the box while she was at it. Or stepped on her crying head to receive her photo.

More ANTM, after the jump!

Previously - Weren't we just in China? Ty Ty moves fast! Anyway, Saleisha Stowers won the crown last go-round despite her mushroom cut and went on to hobbit model success. I guess. I really haven't seen her since. Though I see Eva Pigford everywhere. That bitch gets around.

By J. Harvey

So I watched the behind the scenes show before this, and let me tell you - Toccarra needs her own show. The boyfriend doesn't watch ANTM too closely, but he thought so, too. She's just sweet and amusing and sassy. With big breasteses! Anyway, it's the TENTH cycle of America's Next Top Model! And Tyra's bringing it back to New York City! This is hot, because let's face it - New York is way more of a fashiony model town than L.A.

We open with Tyra talking about the tenth cycle, and counting down 10 categories of moments from previous cycles. Let me tell you, I could watch Coryn or Corrine or whoever that tranny was call Lisa an "alcoholic bitch" 365 days a year. Oh, and I really like the beer in the weave part. America needed to see that. That actually set the prestige of modeling back about 2000 years. There's teary makeovers, medical emergencies (when that one chick goes flat out on her back during judging, I am in love. Mainly because she managed to alarm even Janice Dickinson who you would think would just put an ashtray on her forehead and keep smoking and saying crazy things), Jays, bugs, you name it. I might shed a tear.

Anyway, the theme this year appears to be prep school, which is a good opportunity to lure straight guys into watching this because straight dudes LOVE when a grown woman puts on a school girl uniform. How can so many men share the same fetish, I'll never know.

More ANTM, after the jump!