All Americas Next Top Model Posts

Previously - Lisa doubted herself, and the judges can smell that like a dog can smell fear. Just cause she dances go-go, it don't make her a ho, no. But it does make her next to go! The Cover Girl shoot was an all-around disaster. Oh, and Heather continued to be bullied, and Bianca's feet don't leave the ground, yo. Ever.

Shanghai. Chantal feels that Lisa should still be here, and Heather needs to be sent back to her fire sign bedroom with the dried flowers and the HIM poster. Heather's moping amidst a pile of her clothes about how she botched the Cover Girl shoot. I should pause here and say that the editors made me their bitch with this one. They played me like a damn violin. I'm a fairly intelligent person, but they used my love of Heather and turned me out like a chump. Keep reading.

Heather brings up her autism, and explains that she was trying really hard. Jenah is laying in her bed like a stank princess waiting to be cooled by slaves wafting palm fronds at her, and says that she thinks this is now a personality competiion. Then you're shit out of luck, Cheech & Chong! Actually, in this episode they portray Jenah with a new personality - straight up bitch. She traded in her stoner persona for that of spoiled and sarcastic. And they use it against me to manipulate me. Keep reading.

More America's Next Top Model, after the jump.

Previously - The makeover episode was upon us. Bianca's hair was so busted that she had to get her head shaved. And Victoria should have curbed her dislike of Twiggy because Yale didn't save her from being ousted.

Saleisha talks about how she doesn't want to be be in the bottom two again. I see her and all I can think about is Tootie looking through nightgowns on "The Facts of Life" and smirking and giggling. That was back when Molly Ringwald was on. Or I think about The Ice Capades. No one's doing dishes back at the house. Janet says they have to respect the house and she's going to make a list of jobs to do. Who voted you head bitch in charge? I don't recall a pageant of any sort. Chantal finds it annoying and tells us so. Janet is kinda yelling shit at people and taping hastily scrawled lists of chores to cabinet doors. That's gonna last. Jenah will just roll it and smoke it when she runs out of Zig-Zags. Janet thinks because she isn't the tallest girl in the house and she's curvy, that she's "fighting against a lot". She isn't even mentioning the sharp birdface. Caw caw! Now, that's a fight! She's Liza Minelli smashed into a crow!

And in a shocking twist, HEATHER is acting shady out on the veranda. And why shouldn't she bet? What, just because she's autistic doesn't mean she can't be a straight up bitch? I consider it a triumph for autistic people everywhere. Yeah, they're bitchy, too. Just like you and me. Someone should film a Coke commercial over this. Heather thinks Lisa needs work and Ebony needs work ALL AROUND. She thinks Janet has "a slanted body" but she just doesn't know. HAH! You know it's bad if even people with conditions that make you awkward are baggin' on your ass. Chantal is kinda smirking about Heather telling it like it is and she's also wearing a "I Love My Boyfriend" tank top. Which isn't cute. Is she one of those Christian types? I suspect we'll be seeing a Chantal fights with her boyfriend over the phone episode in this cycle. Chantal's like "jeez, how do you really feel". And then Bianca strikes and comments on Heather's new role as Judge Judy. And asks the loaded question "what's my problem?" She's just moving in for the kill. Bianca's gonna lose any sympathy she had and cut her ass up. Heather's disorder doesn't let he scope this and instead of saying "well, now that those magenta bangs are gone, you're straight" and actually answers her question. She tells her that she needs to pull the emotions from the inside and look more true. HAH! I actually don't think Bianca could get any truer but that's just me. Bianca, dialing her mind to civil for the time being and not pouncing yet, asks Heather what HER problem is. Heather says my body is awkward. True. But you're still fantastic!

More America's Next Top Model, after the jump.

By J. Harvey

When last we left off, Jaslene had scored a victory for deaf transsexuals everywhere. She went on to grace the cover of "Latina" magazine and talk endlessly about how her boyfriend used to beat her ass. Probably because he discovered her appendage. Tyra opens the season by asking what beauty means to us. Do we like it edgy and bizarre or safe and predictable? To me, beauty is a crazed bitch with sob stories in my living room competing to star in eleven or so cover girl commercials and to maybe make the front of Family Circle in the next five years. Tyra's mission is to expand what beauty is and discuss what makes a model and to open up the world of fashion to young women everywhere. It's not to make money and promote her talk show. What is she - shallow?

Footage from various auditions is shown. Tyra calls a bunch of girls to announce that they won but it looks more like she's taping a pre-recorded message. The editors stopped trying to finesse this shit about three cycles back. Some of these girls....I don't know. I know models are supposed to have that quality of beauty that's unusual but some of these chicks look like the initial judges might have gone a little overboard in that direction. They're taking the first 33 girls to the Caribbean this year. Damn. L.A. must have had enough. Mila, 20, is from Boston. Red Sox Nation, represent! The girls are all up on a bus and told to put blindfolds on. This could be some serious sex trafficking shit. The girls have to stumble around in high heels and blindfolds and I'm waiting for several greaseballs to come out to start the snuff film. Run, bitches! Jessica, 23, tells us everything is "shrouded in mystery" and describes how everyone was trying to walk while blind. If that blind chick from several cycles back could do it, so can you!

Keep reading after the jump for more America's Next Top Model.

Previously - Yeah, I missed another recap. Sorry guys. With Paris going to prison and Brit's wig falling off , and other assorted hot gossip...ANTM fell by the wayside. I should be slapped, kicked, punched. I should have to read Tyra Mail in a Russian mail order bride accent. Wait, that would be a punishment for others, not for me. Anyway - Brittany had a full-on freakout when she was late for the go-see event and looked like the world's biggest short term memory loss asshole. Jaslene won a challenge and was too cute for words because she was so happy about it. The girls had to pose for women's and men's magazines and Tyra's decaying weave ass took the women's mag pics. And Brittany got herself sent home. Great pics or not, she was a messcake. As Dionne pointed out "how come this short term memory loss thing didn't come up during the acting challenge"? Right.

Do you wanna be on top, hisses Tyra? I do. Better ride, baby! Yeah, sorry I missed last week's recap. I totally suck. But this one will make up for it - as I'll be so damn snarky you won't be able to see straight afterwards. Or you'll be mildly amused, take ya pick.

The girls return home after Tantrum Chick got bounced. They don't look that sad. Jaslene needs some damn carbs. The Tyra Mail is about heart, soul or spirit or some bullshit. I think I might be getting jaded. Or better yet, Jaded. Pass the pipe! I miss her. This is not America's Next Top Best Friend. Dionne doesn't get the Tyra Mail. She can't put a finger on what's gonna happen. She looks paranoid. Did she smoke a jibba on the way back? Her eyes are darting. She tells us that her mind is just so far gone that she can't even think about the Tyra Mail. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is figuring out the Tyra Mail part of this piece? I just thought it was a a fun pastime. Relax yourself, Wholihay. Dionne discusses the scowling accusation. She says "this thing called scowling". She's never heard of "scowling"? What the hell are they teaching on the vocab tests nowadays? Jaslene looks like she needs to shave her pits, especially when she's already looking mannish. No need to add fuel to the fire, Jas. Renee talks about scowling and we get flashbacks of stank judges and Tyra looks sorta "special" in hers.

More America's Next Top Model, after the jump.

Written by J. Harvey

Previously - 50 Cent treated Jael like his bottom bitch and threw her in a pool and her post-watery punishment appearance offended Benny Medina. Everyone hated Negative Renee and told her so. Brittany lodged a weave complaint, and Sarah got sent home.

The girls ride the ANTM mobile home post-judging. Whitney muses on how she was in the bottom two AGAIN this go-round. She lets us know that she would have placed a bet that she wouldn't be in the bottom two this time. I'm not gonna buck those odds. She says she plans to go full throttle for the next round. I could almost bet you that she's going home this time, and I'd totally take the pot. Natasha is downing Fitty's SmartWater like they don't have any in Russia. Er, which they probably don't so I'm an insensitive clod. Didn't Communism get brought down in Russia so they could have access to things like fair wages, bologna, free will and SmartWater?

Negative Renee's on the phone with her beach-living husband and the newborn she callously left behind, probably in a dumpster with a note to her Moms to pick it up. I kinda like the gold eye shadow on her. Negative Renee talks about how she needs to be a more sensitive person. I'm shocked that it actually only took six girls telling her that she was a douche to awaken her to this revelation. I mean, the people back home must cower and scurry for cover when NeNe comes round'. Jaslene and her hearing disability comment how Renee seems to have changed. Dionne still isn't buying it and there's a weird moment in the kitchen when that's pretty obvious. Dionne seems to have a lick of sense in her head. I wouldn't trust her either! She's yelled/insulted/tried to mind-eff everyone up in this piece!

Jael reveals a letter that Negative Renee wrote her, apologizing for her bullshit. And telling her that her new "super secret model self" name is "Epiphany" because she's realized so many things. Ok, that part didn't happen. Jael seems slightly amused by this missive, and hangs it up. I sense she's not buying it, just like she knows better when the coke dealer tries to sell her shit that's obviously cut with talcum powder. Jael says she knows Renee's an actress, but it doesn't mean she doesn't mean it. Tread carefully, Natasha Lyonne.

More of America's Next Top Model Cycle 8 after the jump.

Written by J. Harvey

Previously - Well, J. Harvey's an ass and didn't get around to writing last week's recap and people let him know about it. He's red-faced and should be forced to go down to his hands and knees and be soundly kicked in the bottom by each of you. Nevertheless, Negative Renee? Still negative. Brooke and her hoops? Sent home. Someone apparently was TOO frightened of her grin.

Jael's moaning about Diana and why did they take her away? Whitney reveals that Diana was her best friend in the house, and that she plans to beat all these "skinny bitches" for her. I'm not seeing it, but good luck. We get a flashback to Whitney sobbing her eyes out when Diana got booted. Was there some women's basketball going on between those two? I get the feeling that Diana was very any port in a storm if the person likes her. There's a Tyra mail about smelling sweet or something, and some of the girls (Jael) are jumping around and acting (Jael) crazy. Someone says, "girls, please" and Negative Renee brings her dark cloud of cranky evil into the confessional and tells us how she can't stand any of them. I'm put off by the fact that Renee has taken on this woman of the desert nomad look. She's got a headscarf draped loosely around her, but it's not dulling the savagery of her hatred. I do think she looks ready to build a hut out of some sticks she had transported on the back of a camel, though. She goes on about how much she hates Jael, and Sarah. And she feels Sarah was credited too much for the work she did last challenge. This segues into Sarah talking about how she got to see all of her frames in the last shoot because she won, and how much it helped her. I smell foreshadowing. She talks with Brittany by the giant horizontal Bic outside, and Brittany's hair looks like the dog has been sleeping on it. Seriously, couldn't someone have given her the weave manual?

The girls adjourn to some Indian restaurant where they're greeted by a giant Win, Lose, or Draw sketchpad bearing the name "Lesley Hornby". Dionne, who is swiftly becoming one of my favorites, exclaims, "I don't know who that is!" Dionne really takes a bite out life and finds it fresh and juicy. She would handle being a mail order bride better than Natasha does. Leslie Hornby, by the by, is Twiggy. And she walks out from behind said sketchpad, dressed like she's been working at Over Our Heads on "Facts of Life". We get a Twiggy retrospective and I must say, she was an amazing model back in the day. Anyway, the point of this session is that the girls are going to choose "supermodel secret self" names for themselves. Is that a concept that Tyra's going to market? And who better to assist in the choosing of a model alias than MELROSE! *terrified screams* She comes launching out, looking happy and refreshed from possibly letting Jeremy Piven inside of her. We get a great flashback to Melrose explaining her name to Tyra at the beginning of last cycle aka the "issa" conversation. Love it. And again - Negative Renee is dressing like a damn Bedouin. Why? Is she trying to steal Jael's Grace Jones in View to a Kill thunder?

More of America's Next Top Model Cycle 8 after the jump.

Written by J. Harvey

Previously - In the first half of the Cycle 8 premiere, we met a Russian mail-order bride, and a negative creep who has a son. Jaslene returned with her famous pose. Kathleen totally wants to be a model, riggght? And Tyra is almost likeable this go-round. Something's gotta give. 20 became 13. Oh, and there's a loveable crackhead. It's almost like Flavor of Love!

It's time for the first event. Which means photos to judge. FINALLY! Enough with this getting to know these bitches. I want photographs to peruse, sneer at and judge. Jael is so high, and she's trying to be everyone's friend. Either that or she's laying the groundwork to ask for drug money. Kathleen's hair is amazing. It want to nap in it but I know her pronounciation of words would jar me awake and make me crawl out of her head and kill her ass. Riggggghhhhtt?

The girls are walking down the street, and Mr. Jay pulls up on a motorcycle with training wheels. They probably could have made it a little less humiliating if they had equipped his ass with a sidecar. In his defense, he's dragging some bullshit Tyra poster about being a role model. He's about as butch as my vagina. Mr. Jay has some big spiel about how being America's Next Top Model isn't only about being a pretty face. The girl is also a role model. Role model? Caridee is a role model? That bitch was on all fours on the kitchen counter every chance she got. And she wasn't looking for birthday candles.

Keep reading for Part 2 of the ANTM season premiere.

Written by J. Harvey

Written by J. Harvey

Previously - There wasn't a re-cap last week because J. Harvey was in Canada where he learned that a one-dollar coin is called a "loonie" and a two-dollar coin is called a "toonie". I love Canada. Since he's been back, he's also learned not to confuse the names of the Brady Bunch children in his Nip/Tuck re-caps and that excessive omelet-eating didn't aid waking nightmare Anchal in her quest to be America's Next Top Model. She went home.

The girls appear to be riding back from the last elimination, and are discussing Anchal. The majority of them feel that she had never been away from home, and it made her insecure, and there's going to be so much more food in the house now. Twin Michelle was in the bottom two last time alongside Anchal, and her sister Amanda was very concerned. Michelle tells us she's still confused. About her sexuality, about modeling, about why in God's name she was in the bottom two when she has way more spice than her boring sister. Then again, I was driving around Buffalo when all this took place and looking for the best wing place. So what do I know? I think we found it. I want to give a shout-out to all the girls down at Duff's. Those wings were delectable.

More of J. Harvey's "America's Next Top Model" recap after the jump.

Written by J. Harvey

Previously - Jaeda got her head buzzed, and Monique's psychotic, dirty panty-wielding ass got sent home.

Melrose and Michelle of the twins chow. Everyone is thrilled that Monique is absent. The girls have a leggy lesbian orgy in the shower. Melrose complains about the noise, but it's just misplaced jealousy that she wasn't asked to bring her soap on a rope. Stoned rocker Megg looks up from her bong long enough to call Melrose a bitch. Do Megg's eyes even open? Bitch is a stoned pigeon.

Jadea complains about how she's mistaken for a boy since her shearing. Since? Come to terms, Jaeda. This episode seems to be all about vapid girls and their vapid body issues. I think I'd rather watch Tyra's vapid talk show. Anchal lets us know she felt she was ugly as a lass, with braces and glasses. She's also the one girl in the house who has tats, and hips and eats a lot at breakfast. And looks like a ferret. Ok, she didn't say that, but I did. I'm just keeping it real.

Tyra mail. The girls are going to have to bend over backwards or something equally vague and retarded. I love watching these bims try to puzzle out Tyra Mail. It makes me feel better about not understanding certain t-shirts. The girls meet up with this very interesting looking black model with freckles named Stacy. I recognize her from The Fifth Element and we learn she is also a judge on Canada's Next Top Model. Yes, Canada's Next Top Model. Which is the same as France's Most Successful Deodorant Salesman or China's Most Embracing Of Newborn Females. They have to try and emulate the poses of this contortionist guy. How do you know you're a contortionist? You can suddenly put your face in your own taint? The girls are put into some L.A. Gear workout togs circa 1985 and have to start assuming some positions. Anchal is flexible and Melrose is spitting venom all over it. The girls rest for a bit and Anchal is all why am I still fat if I'm flexible. And Melrose tells her to go for a run once in awhile and pretty much calls her fat ass. Anchal insists that she does, and Melrose goes into an overbite of mockery. Anchal doesn't get why Melrose is concerning herself with Anchal's body. Because she's a dyke like all models. All I'm getting out of this is that no one looks good in leg warmers, no matter how pretty they are.

More of J. Harvey's "America's Next Top Model" recap after the jump.

Previously on ANTM – the girls enjoyed Chosun Korean BBQ not sushi (so sue me, *eye roll*) with Janice Dickinson, Nnenna’s boyfriend became creepy and usurped the phone, and the producers did us all a favor and axed needy Gina.

Meanwhile, back at the Tyra lair - Brooke laments that she has not taken one good photo. And Mollie keeps being told she isn’t showing her personality. Mollie disputes this, as her personality is “so much a part of me”. Oh lordy, Mollie. Repeat that back. Mollie declares that she’s “a good bitch” who makes “funny faces” and “farts”. Which are how most girls on the cover of Italian Vogue describe themselves. This is not a game, Mollie Sue!

Nnenna is still enduring her psycho-ass boyfriend’s phone addiction. She relates that John is insecure. John is convinced she banged that male model that had been dry-humping her savagely during the last shoot. He’s doing a lot of sobbing. I hope to Christ this dickhead has some buddies who will tell him what a total pussy he’s being on national TV. Nnenna declares the relationship is OVER. Not as long as the camera’s rolling, sweetheart. This is reality television! You will date that man until he puts you in the hospital and then UPN lawyers will make sure the cops uncuff him long enough to sign the waiver!

Jade tells us that she doesn’t have a boyfriend holding her back and she is free. Free to be you and me! Jade lets us know that Nnenna having a boyfriend is going to hurt her in the end. And she then proceeds to advise Nnenna to KEEP her boyfriend. Sneaky editing or not, this bitch is Snakes On A Plane. Furonda notes that Jade finds easy targets and works them. Danielle imparts that she knows Jade knows what she’s doing and what goes around comes around. Never mind that bullshit, Snow Black - just beat that ho down.

A wan-looking Tyra asks the girls about “pressure”. Tyra looks distressed. Pale. She tells them she’s been working so hard. She collapses! Furonda looks freaked the fuck out. No one wants to see his or her idol dead on the floor. I would feel the same way if Bea Arthur took a digger in front of me. Which is bound to happen soon, cuz’ Bea ain’t getting any fresher if you catch my drift. Though I doubt she’ll die in front of me. We don’t know each other. God, I love the Golden Girls. Anyway, Tyra was yanking their chains. And the girls are sorta stunned. Danielle looks like - should I smack this bitch? Furonda is sobbing, much like I would be if I thought Floridian substitute teacher Dorothy Szbornak had expired in my presence. Tyra tells them that they’re going to learn how to act in a commercial. The only other occurrence of note is that Jade took her short afro and teased it up so she looks like Jack Nance in Eraserhead. She’s also channeling some Tilda Swinton in the Narnia flick. Centaurs and foxes should flee for their lives.