Posted by Rob Thurman

The sooth, they say, shall set you free.

But these are troubling times, kids.

Wars. Pestilence. Rosie.

Let us re-imagine the past as we look forward to our children's future.

Pull out your cardigan and change your shoes -- the choo-choo's waiting and a low-res, low-brow adventure awaits!

Note: There's a secret surprise on every page.

Read each page carefully and then move your cursor back and forth and over (and off) the picture!!!!

Having an Operation

Stan Lee's in the sanctuary and Corky's going down the drain. Will Life Go On for Spidey's "special" friends?

Across this fair nation, scenes from Tobey versus Topher are being broadcast on Jumbotrons in Christian churches, leaving old and young alike to turn to their Spider-Man 3 Bible Study Guides© for spiritual guidance.

This intersection of Biblical and blockbuster is big business in Hell-A these days, according to Grace Hill Media's Jonathan Bock who started the company at the turn of the Millennia to deliver the holy to Hollywood. The company utilizes a heavenly host of persuasive, Pentecostal propaganda and good old fashioned American advertising to manufacture the matinee mass.

Don't worry, if you're not a Million Man marcher or a Journalist for Jesus, you may have never seen their sales pitch. You weren't supposed to, sinner!

In addition, media-savvy pastors can now download free movie clips at sites like SermonSpice.com and study guides produced by the Los Angeles based Fuller Theological Seminary specifically target Christian consumers for films like Superman Returns and Raising Helen, to name but a few. More study guides are available here.

It is estimated that evangelical audiences will shell out an additional $50 million in tickets for "family friendly" films...and God-only-knows how many millions in DVD sales.

Pass the collection plates, y'all -- we're taking the Bible Bus to Best Buy!

And to think, Christ once banished the bankers from the temple -- Messianic movie marketing moguls didn't exist in the days BmsNBC.

Speaking of existence, and a random segue attributable to watching countless "very special episodes" of Facts of Life, Life Goes On, Blossom and ALF, this article from the New York Times begs the question* makes me wonder:

Are Americans engaging in genocide by aborting fetuses diagnosed with Down Syndrome?

I've been flexing my supine soothsaying skills to speculate what will happen when Madonna meets her maker?

And I don't mean her trainer, stylist, guru-of-the-day, re-mixer, publicist, photographer or intestinal cleansing intern.

No. Gaze into the crystal ball and reflect.....Madonna.....d-e-a-d.

Now, let me make this clear, this is neither incitement nor an invitation to hasten the departure of the world's most insipid cultural appropriator - the megalomaniacal marketing machine that slithered forth from the muck and goo of original Ciccone sin.

Trifling as she is, there is no earthly justification to emotionally harm (any further) her duly purchased and dually delivered children.

Still, you have to face it, she will leave this earthly plane someday.

And what the hell is going to happen then?