Syesha Mercado unsurprisingly was bounced from American Idol last night. The remaining two contestants are smug, fully-aware-that-he's-going-to-be-a-rock-star David Cook and your paperboy David Archuleta.
Syesha didn't tear up and held it together as she just said "thank you" for the experience. She seems like a nice girl. She sang "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys as her outro. Didn't that already get her bad reviews? Doesn't matter now.
It looks to be a fairly close race next week, with Simon describing it as a "humdinger." Or maybe he was talking about what Seacrest gave him one time.
David Archuleta's wackjob stage Dad has been banned from the backstage area over at American Idol. The ultimate stage dad, Jeff Archuleta finally pushed the producers too far when he made David insert a lyric from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls" into his performance of "Stand By Me" the other night. This guy is hands-on. You know the belt comes out if David gets a bad review from the judges. Jeff needs to have some of what Paula's drinking and sit the f*ck down.
Producers told Jeff that David shouldn't do that, because they would have problems with the Sean's publisher. Jeff ignored them. Hence the boot. He's still allowed to sit in on live performances though.
Pops Archuleta wasn't available for comment, but "a friend" said he's finding reports to the matter to be "tiring." His son must be tired, too. From all the beatings!
We all knew that this was coming. Stoned pigeon Jason Castro was voted off American Idol last night. The dreadlocked stoner turned in two below average performances the night before which had Simon telling him to pack his bags.
Castro had an extremely "off" night on Tuesday. His performance of "I Shot The Sherrif" was called "atrocious" by Simon, and he actually forgot the lyrics to "Mr. Tambourine Man."
"I don't know what happened," he said with a nervous smirk. "Everything just got all off," he said backstage.
I know what happened. Devil weed. You were locked inside the control room in your mind and it was all hazy. All you wanted was a plate of cupcakes and to watch Planet Earth on Blu-Ray while your mind wandered.
So we're down to Syesha, the dopey little bastard, and David Cook. She's so gone next week, and it's going to be a David-palooza.
Previously - Brooke White bobbed her head to Neil Diamond in a desperate manner, and rightfully got bounced. And Paula Abdul drank/drugged herself into our hearts.
Seacrest IN! Seacrest talks his talk. Jason Castro might have done some windowpane because his eyes are all over the place. When Seacrest say his "this is...American Idol!" line, the red lights flash on and it looks like the contestants will be shot from the stage in a burst of drama!
The chick who played Meadow on The Sopranos is here tonight. She's got nothing better to do. Paula's wearing a springy yellow and probably on her best behavior tonight considering last week. Here come the contestants. Does lil' David Archuleta have junior miss manboobs? If I asked him he'd probably giggle and sound like Goofy. How has Syesha Mercado made it this far? It's ASTOUNDING how far pretty can get you. I wish I had some.
Previously - Carly Smithson got bounced, and it's all because of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Does anyone else hate Phantom as much as I do? So a chandelier falls, big effin' deal!
Oh, the moment you have been waiting for all season has come. Paula Abdul reclaims her throne as the highest ho in the land. I seriously want to get to writing that paragraph right now, but I'll wait. It will be hard, though. I've even enclosed a clip of Paula's drunk ass with this recap. I will tell you when to watch it. It will be interactive fun! Oh, and it's Neil Diamond night! What did I do to earn this love?
Seacrest is yawping about how people might lose their cool. Brooke White is so demented; she's like grinning at the camera. She's almost, but not quite, taken over Kristy Lee Cook's territory. Rita Wilson's in the audience. She always represents Hollywood Wives to me. She doesn't have to do a damn thing except show up for charity events in Beverly Hills and look reasonably attractive. She acted in like two films right? Met Tom Hanks, and secured her future. Do you think she sleeps with the pool boy? Sorry, but aren't we all influenced by the glamorous tales of Miss Jackie Collins?
Previously - America hates Australia and voted Michael Johns off. It's ok, because he's enjoying Whynattes.
Seven is going to be someone's unlucky number tonight. There's a weird tendency toward gold lame this evening. Syesha looks like Marilyn McCoo, and Kristy Lee Cook looks like your worst nightmare about a possibly Aryan Nation.
What's with the dramatic pausing, Seacrest? Cut the shit. David Archuleta looks like Daddy's going to pull out the strap and whip him if he doesn't make it tonight. We have some celebs in the audience. Minnie Driver's there, pregnant and still not naming the daddy. Teri Hatcher brought her medically enhanced visage into the auditorium, and is going to scare people into messing up the lyrics. But the hottest celebrity is behind Teri. Isn't that the fat kid from Head of the Class? Glamorous! Howard Hesseman is my homeboy.
'Idol Gives Back' was a hit when it was taped over the weekend, and was an even bigger hit as it was broadcast on television last night.
Above is a video showing Brad Pitt's love from the audience, his slight technical difficulty and his introduction to Daughtry's moving video shot in Uganda.
According to producer Nigel Lythgoe, the show received 3,000 calls within the first minute of airing from people pledging money to the charity.
Contestant David Archuleta helped answer phones most of the time, although his intentions were questioned. A staffer joked, 'He's looking for a prom date!'
Jason Castro even offered to cut off one of his dreadlocks to raise money for the cause.
At the end of the show when contestants performed "Shout to the Lord," tons of paper streamers fell to the stage. A witness said that Michael Johns made himself a streamer-angel on the stage to Kristy Lee Cook's delight.
Numbers have not been released yet for the amount raised last night, as pledges are still being accepted.
Previously - Tiny Ramiele was sent back to waitressing at the sushi shop.
Seacrest has all the fame victims lined up on stage, as if in front of a firing squad. Get Seacrest, first! I want to see a laser sight on his dome! He talks his usual opening bullshit. Yadda, yadda, yadda! I just want to see what Paula's on this evening. Probably Sharpie markers. Snort away, Miss Paula!
The guy who runs Ford is there. Money gets you anywhere. Who buys Fords? Though I miss my tiny powder blue Escort. That thing cooked. Tomorrow is Idol Gives Back. It's a way for Idol to feel a lot better about subjecting us to terrible music and making scads of money off it. So tonight's theme is "inspirational songs." I hope David Archuleta sings the Dead Kennedy's "Too Drunk To F*ck" or Millie Jackson's "Muffle That Fart."
Check out Mimi. I swear, it looks like she pulled that outfit out of her wardrobe circa the 'Fantasy' era. The body suit and metal chain belt? Love it.
Ryan Seacrest of course served as host for the second annual 'Idol Gives Back' show. Big names present included Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, Peyton and Eli Manning, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Reese Witherspoon and Brad Pitt.
Other performances included Snoop Dogg and Charlie Wilson, John Legend, Miley Cyrus, Annie Lennox, Adam Levine and Gloria Estefan. Carrie Underwood did a George Michael cover, and Fergie performed with Heart. The Idol finalists performed Rihanna's hit "Don't Stop the Music," and the kids from "So You Think You Can Dance" were doing their thing in the background.
And look below. Is Teri Hatcher actually singing?
I haven't heard her sing, but I get the feeling they are going to have people donate to get her to stop.
Brad told the audience, "Sometimes, to help people, we've got to travel outside of our comfort zone to really understand another situation."
Maybe that's what Teri is trying to do.
You can catch all the philanthropic stars on the show when it airs Wednesday night.
43 more photos from Idol Gives Back featuring Mariah Carey, Reese Witherspoon, Fergie, Brad Pitt, Adam Levine, Carrie Underwood, Miley Cyrus, David Archuleta, David Cook, Michael Johns, Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook, Jason Castro, Snoop Dogg, Paula Abdul, Ryan Seacrest, Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, Robin Williams, Gloria Estefan, Sarah Silverman, Nancy Wilson, Ann Wilson, John Legend, Annie Lennox, Billy Crystal, James Denton, Teri Hatcher and Sheila E are after the jump.
Previously - Chikezie? Chikezie can you hear me, baby? I'm hear for you. I don't know what they were thinking. I hate Kristy Lee Cook, too.
Seacrest starts off with a retarded April Fools Joke. Those don't work unless they're elaborate or the person in question is really gullible. So I fell for it! Shut up! How many entrances does Ryan Seacrest get? Randy Jackson is "legendary?" What has this bitch done? I don't recall him pulling swords out of stones. Paula looks almost...human tonight in a floral frock. Simon still looks like he's been butting things with his head.
Dolly Parton is so hot. She's written over 3000 songs? Hot damn. When Dolly walks in, David Archuleta almost wets himself. Oh, you little twink. There, there. Dolly will hold your gay head to her bosom and rock you gently. Dolly considers her 3000 songs to be her children. That is one stretched vagine. And when she doesn't have a guitar handy, she uses her nails to scrape out a beat. Only Dolly Parton has the talent and ingenuity to utilize backwoods nail sculpture to gift us with songs.
Dolly leads the contestants in a rousing rendition of "9 to 5", which is one of the greatest films ever made. I live in a pink collar ghetto, too. David Cook better get that puss of his face when he sings. I know he almost died later, but you don't disrespect Dolly. If Dolly befriends Kristy Lee Cook, I will blow up the boob coaster at Dollyworld. Dolly talks about how she couldn't go on Idol and judge other singers. You know she was throwing a fish-eye at Paula's drunk, money-grubbing ass.
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Previously - Brooke White bobbed her head to Neil Diamond in a desperate manner, and rightfully got bounced. And Paula Abdul drank/drugged herself into our hearts.
