Previously - Latchkey kid Nikki got sent home and Dale is a snotty little maniac.
I can't believe this show is on its fourth season, and this is my first season. What have I taken away from it so far? How not to do opening credits. And an odd need to buy GLAD products. Chicago! What is on Lisa's head? Is that an orange cap? Like in the The Night Before Christmas? Richard has the cutest little moobs.
Dale acknowledges that the rest of the house hates him. He's totally a bitter bunny. Andrew has a fire in is stomach to stab someone or make some amazing food. He needs to be restrained. There's some dude from Season Two who didn't win and he's bitter about it. Because he's dressed very Structure for Men and not smiling.
Dina Lohan and her way too old-looking 14-year-old daughter Ali spoke to ExtraTV.com about their new reality show, Living Lohan. Talk turned to Lindsay Lohan, because that's the only reason to watch the show. I can't wait for when they show phone conversations Dina has with Lindsay, and a giant white arrow appears pointing to the phone and it reads "LINDSAY LOHAN!" That's going to be a sweeps week episode.
The Lohans deny that Lindsay is in a lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson. Well, Ali denied it. Because there's nothing more disgusting to a 14-year-old girl than some bulldyke making out with the big sister that she idolizes. Give it time. She's already jacked Lindsay's beatdown hooker swagger. Pretty soon she's going to find a lesbian DJ of her own.
"They're best friends. They're just friends. It's pathetic what people say," Ali said.
Dina merely says that "Samantha's an amazing girl." So she's not even trying.
The Lohans also explain their reasoning behind their show as an attempt to "to set the record straight as to who we are as people." We already have that figured out, thanks.
Previously - The always entertaining and self-referential Dominique was sent packing. Hopefully to a dentist.
Roma! It's been a long, and sorta interesting journey. We had Lauren, the lumbering Texas Chainsaw Massacre fan who drank her coffee out of a wineglass and had no qualms about trying to kill Fatima or Dominique. Claire, the girl who I thought would this whole deal who ended up being that girl on the playground who constantly had the other girls following her around as she tormented the girl with the brace. And here I thought she was totally cool DIY chick. And Mad Dog Marvita, who was so tough and sassy and completely ready to shank a bitch for her calling cards that I thought I might be in love. But alas, they went home. And we're down to the effervescent, slightly elvish Anya, yes? And big, brassy, kind of stank Whitney. And finally, the genitally mutilated, absent of tact Fatima. Who will win this one? I know the answer. Watch the video if you want to know right now. Otherwise, keep reading.
Previously - Jason Castro toked his way off the show. Paula was probably drunk. Ryan Seacrest probably touched David and David in a suggestive manner. You know how it goes.
America Idol! We're down to three. Say bye-bye to Syesha. David Archuleta is a child. Syesha is pretty but gone. David Cook is smug. Ryan Seacrest's "This is American Idol!" will stay with me throughout my days. I wish it wouldn't. This is the closest race this show has ever seen? Paula isn't sure where she is, but her large black sequins will light the way. Randy's shirt looks like that couch in your great grand-mother's sitting room that smells like dead people.
David Archuleta's wackjob stage Dad has been banned from the backstage area over at American Idol. The ultimate stage dad, Jeff Archuleta finally pushed the producers too far when he made David insert a lyric from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls" into his performance of "Stand By Me" the other night. This guy is hands-on. You know the belt comes out if David gets a bad review from the judges. Jeff needs to have some of what Paula's drinking and sit the f*ck down.
Producers told Jeff that David shouldn't do that, because they would have problems with the Sean's publisher. Jeff ignored them. Hence the boot. He's still allowed to sit in on live performances though.
Pops Archuleta wasn't available for comment, but "a friend" said he's finding reports to the matter to be "tiring." His son must be tired, too. From all the beatings!
Heidi Montag got her ass on the Ellen show, and told her that no longer being fake friends with Lauren Conrad is a "weight off my shoulders." You'd feel even lighter if you took those plastic domes off your chest, moron. The interview will air on Monday.
I seriously feel for the TV hosts who have to speak to this broad.
"Towards the end of our relationship she was just always yelling at me and nagging at me because she didn't like my boyfriend [Spencer Pratt]," Montag said. No one likes your boyfriend, Heidi.
Heidi says that Lauren had a boyfriend that she "didn't like" for several years, but she kept her yap shut. She thought it better that the two just "go our own ways." I'm sure the writers did, too. Heidi said that the recent journalistic integrity-destroying Rolling Stonecover that featured all the Hills girls was "awkward." Yeah, well, fake friendships designed for TV and passed off as "real" will do that.
I watched this...and it's Kim Kardashian trying to do good....but her giant ass was just so PRESENT in that incredibly tight tube dress she puts on. And she keeps making jokes about how dumb she is. And her sisters are mocking her. And listening to the Kardashian sisters discuss Burma's current political climate in those airhead Hills voices...the juxtapositioning was just too much! It's like listening to Britney Spears talk about Darfur. DOES. NOT. COMPUTE. Uh, good job there, Kim?
The LA Times recently did a thorough examination of the Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt phenomenon. Heidi tried summing up their existence by explaining how they perceive themselves.
"Obviously we're entertainers. We are trying to entertain in every aspect of our lives. Whether it's on the show or in the tabloids."
Spencer explains that he started dating Heidi behind the scenes after Season 1 of The Hills because he felt that the show needed some "evil." Whether he was with her initially because she was on TV or not, he claims to be fully in love with her manufactured personality and body.
"I was -- and am -- so in love with Heidi, and that stuff stops mattering. Our real world is right here," he said, gesturing at the space between them. I might vomit. I need to breathe deeply and through my nose slowly.
Spencer says he and Heidi are fully aware as to how the media works, and are merely feeding the voracious beast that is the mainstream media, the tabloids, and the blogs. Thanks for the snack, Spence!
"Every hour," he said. "Every different magazine, every blog texts, like, 'We heard this, we heard this.' Most of the time, people are just making things up, trying to get you to give a source quote. Or give one line just so they can build something. On every site, in every magazine, they need content. It's the most competitive industry in the world, I would say, the pop culture media game."
Spencer probaby said all this while Heidi watched the carbonation in her glass of soda. We know who's running that show.
We all knew that this was coming. Stoned pigeon Jason Castro was voted off American Idol last night. The dreadlocked stoner turned in two below average performances the night before which had Simon telling him to pack his bags.
Castro had an extremely "off" night on Tuesday. His performance of "I Shot The Sherrif" was called "atrocious" by Simon, and he actually forgot the lyrics to "Mr. Tambourine Man."
"I don't know what happened," he said with a nervous smirk. "Everything just got all off," he said backstage.
I know what happened. Devil weed. You were locked inside the control room in your mind and it was all hazy. All you wanted was a plate of cupcakes and to watch Planet Earth on Blu-Ray while your mind wandered.
So we're down to Syesha, the dopey little bastard, and David Cook. She's so gone next week, and it's going to be a David-palooza.
Previously - Latchkey kid Nikki got sent home and Dale is a snotty little maniac. 
