Previously - Latchkey kid Nikki got sent home and Dale is a snotty little maniac.
I can't believe this show is on its fourth season, and this is my first season. What have I taken away from it so far? How not to do opening credits. And an odd need to buy GLAD products. Chicago! What is on Lisa's head? Is that an orange cap? Like in the The Night Before Christmas? Richard has the cutest little moobs.
Dale acknowledges that the rest of the house hates him. He's totally a bitter bunny. Andrew has a fire in is stomach to stab someone or make some amazing food. He needs to be restrained. There's some dude from Season Two who didn't win and he's bitter about it. Because he's dressed very Structure for Men and not smiling.
Previously - The always entertaining and self-referential Dominique was sent packing. Hopefully to a dentist.
Roma! It's been a long, and sorta interesting journey. We had Lauren, the lumbering Texas Chainsaw Massacre fan who drank her coffee out of a wineglass and had no qualms about trying to kill Fatima or Dominique. Claire, the girl who I thought would this whole deal who ended up being that girl on the playground who constantly had the other girls following her around as she tormented the girl with the brace. And here I thought she was totally cool DIY chick. And Mad Dog Marvita, who was so tough and sassy and completely ready to shank a bitch for her calling cards that I thought I might be in love. But alas, they went home. And we're down to the effervescent, slightly elvish Anya, yes? And big, brassy, kind of stank Whitney. And finally, the genitally mutilated, absent of tact Fatima. Who will win this one? I know the answer. Watch the video if you want to know right now. Otherwise, keep reading.
Previously - Jason Castro toked his way off the show. Paula was probably drunk. Ryan Seacrest probably touched David and David in a suggestive manner. You know how it goes.
America Idol! We're down to three. Say bye-bye to Syesha. David Archuleta is a child. Syesha is pretty but gone. David Cook is smug. Ryan Seacrest's "This is American Idol!" will stay with me throughout my days. I wish it wouldn't. This is the closest race this show has ever seen? Paula isn't sure where she is, but her large black sequins will light the way. Randy's shirt looks like that couch in your great grand-mother's sitting room that smells like dead people.
Previously - Kids helped the chefs out and they were way more charismatic than their mentors. And Mark the lanky hobbit got bounced back to New Zealand. Long live the Shire!
Chicago! Spike and Andrew roll around in bed together. Andrew misses Mark. These three were playing flippy-floppy below deck. Antonia is celebrating all the women who have made it so far. Nikki explains feminism and competition to us. Thanks, Nik. Tom's here for the Quickfire! Here to terrify! Is Padma dressed like a sailor? Yes, she is and she can hoist a jib whenever she pleases. Padma tells them that immunity is gone!
They form two teams, and they're bringing back an old challenge. Dale says his cooks are capable but not amazing. He's such a bitch. They're having a relay race. This is my first Top Chef so I wasn't here for the previous one. Stephanie's excited, so she must have taken a Xanax and talked herself down from her usual caniption.
Previously - Katar-something Polish was sent quietly on her way. Dominique's missing a tooth! Rome must really be sick of these people.
Is anyone else wondering how Dominique made it this far? None of my choices were correct this cycle and it's killing me. Whitney and her shifty eyes discuss how she's been in the bottom two the last two times. She's got a lot of make-up on and looks a little geisha. Blond geisha. Blond geisha who likes cookies. She says she can't be "posey". She talks about how America's ready for a plus-size model to be America's Next Top Model. Maybe so, but Anya's not plus size and she's going to take that prize.
Oh, by the way! Faithful Socialite Life reader Anita let me know that Anya's crazy accent is "Hawaiian pidgin."
"It's a mix of all the different ethnic groups accents with native Hawaiian," says Anita. Thanks, sweetie! Learning is fun!
When the models get home, posters of Saleisha have been plastered all over the house. It's seriously the only exposure she's been getting lately. Whitney's like "she got to pose with Tyra?" Did Big Whitney watch this show before she tried out for it? Don't they all? Maybe not Adrienne Curry, but the rest of them did.
More ANTM, after the jump.
Previously - Brooke White bobbed her head to Neil Diamond in a desperate manner, and rightfully got bounced. And Paula Abdul drank/drugged herself into our hearts.
Seacrest IN! Seacrest talks his talk. Jason Castro might have done some windowpane because his eyes are all over the place. When Seacrest say his "this is...American Idol!" line, the red lights flash on and it looks like the contestants will be shot from the stage in a burst of drama!
The chick who played Meadow on The Sopranos is here tonight. She's got nothing better to do. Paula's wearing a springy yellow and probably on her best behavior tonight considering last week. Here come the contestants. Does lil' David Archuleta have junior miss manboobs? If I asked him he'd probably giggle and sound like Goofy. How has Syesha Mercado made it this far? It's ASTOUNDING how far pretty can get you. I wish I had some.
Previously - To be honest, I was in LA and didn't watch and I'm not sure who got sent home yet. I'm praying to the Virgin Mary that it's either Spike or Andrew. Who I suspect were once Siamese twins attached at the face.
Chicago! The chefs had to improvise. People were vomiting in their mouths. Jennifer Beasty was sent home?!?!?! It's ok, Zoi needed her nuzzling. It would be so hot if they came back to attack the house with the Dykes on Bikes. You know Beasty has a hog. I mean a motorcycle. Ok, the other kind, too.
The opening credits of this show are so poor. I don't like to see awkward people try to dance. Stephanie is babbling about her fear. She's won a ton of shit, she should relax. Antonia wants to f*ck everybody. The hobbit guy has a lot of tats. Does he know about the new movie being made? He should audition, they can CGI his height.
Previously - The girls arrived in Rome. Fatima got sick. Leatherface fan Lauren got sent home. J. Harvey will have been absolutely wrong now, If Katar-something Polish gets sent home. He'll live.
Rome! Ciao bella! Whitney talks about how the judges figured out she was a fake-ass. Fatima's like Whitney's freaking out, but my commercial was rad, yo! She goes on about how she's improving and how wonderful she is and what would the world do without Fatima? Is it bad that I actually prefer her going on non-stop about her missing clitoris as opposed to herself? That was actually more interesting.
Fatima tells Dominique that she doesn't have any competition, and us that her improvement is bugging the rest of the girls. What's bugging the rest of the girls is that your leprosy might be catching. I swear, this biddy caught some kind of skin ailment during this cycle and I don't know what it is!
Previously - Carly Smithson got bounced, and it's all because of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Does anyone else hate Phantom as much as I do? So a chandelier falls, big effin' deal!
Oh, the moment you have been waiting for all season has come. Paula Abdul reclaims her throne as the highest ho in the land. I seriously want to get to writing that paragraph right now, but I'll wait. It will be hard, though. I've even enclosed a clip of Paula's drunk ass with this recap. I will tell you when to watch it. It will be interactive fun! Oh, and it's Neil Diamond night! What did I do to earn this love?
Seacrest is yawping about how people might lose their cool. Brooke White is so demented; she's like grinning at the camera. She's almost, but not quite, taken over Kristy Lee Cook's territory. Rita Wilson's in the audience. She always represents Hollywood Wives to me. She doesn't have to do a damn thing except show up for charity events in Beverly Hills and look reasonably attractive. She acted in like two films right? Met Tom Hanks, and secured her future. Do you think she sleeps with the pool boy? Sorry, but aren't we all influenced by the glamorous tales of Miss Jackie Collins?
Unfortunately, I'm not the resident American Idol expert, so my insight into this post about contestant Carly Smithson's departure from the show will be sorely lacking. For a point of view from a dedicated viewer, I suggest you look to J. Harvey, who's in the midst of recapping the singing competition phenomenon.
The 24-year-old contestant caused quite a stir when it was revealed that she'd had a recording contract in the past. However, any drama surrounding that fact has now been rendered a moot point, with the Irish bartender no longer in contention to win the competition. Smithson teared up a little when she was told her time on the show had come to a close and her final performance was delivered to an audience that included Desperate Housewives Josh Henderson and Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine).
Previously - Latchkey kid Nikki got sent home and Dale is a snotty little maniac. 
